The focus of this area is on the process of making decisions and on our faculties that are involved in that process. Before going further though, it may be useful to pick a decision you need to make (e.g. ‘shall I go out tonight or stay in and do some work?’) and test how each of the following points can be applied in your case.

The paradox of choice

There is a paradox between choice and its realisation: we are free to choose, but making a choice inevitably leads to renouncing choice – for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating other options. For example, let’s say you have £50 to buy a pair of shoes. You have a choice of probably thousands of shoes to buy for this money. However, once you make your decision and buy a pair, effectively you have said ‘no’ to all the others. Not surprisingly, the possibility of making a wrong choice can become a burden and raise anxiety. This can affect the capacity to tolerate a ‘pre-decision’ state, which may lead to either impulsiveness or procrastination; let’s see how we can address these two.

How to avoid rushing into decisions

Rushing into decisions may quickly reduce anxiety, but it may also lead to regrets later on, so it is important to be able to tolerate uncertainty for a while. To achieve this, it is useful to put the fear of ‘wrong’ decisions in perspective: regardless of circumstances, each possibility gives us an opportunity to gain and lose something. Learning from a ‘wrong’ decision can sometimes be more valuable than the gains from a ‘right’ decision. So, although some choices may be better than others, the decisions are usually not black and white, and regardless of whatever choice you have made, there will be some challenges and opportunities ahead.

This area will start by clarifying the difference between two types of responsibility: imposed and personal. We will then consider why personal responsibility matters, and common strategies that are used to avoid it, as well as how we can counter them.

Imposed responsibility

The term responsibility is sometimes coercively used to reinforce complying with rules or order imposed from above. Parents, teachers and even managers resort to it. For our purpose though, it is particularly interesting that imposed responsibility doesn’t need to come from outside. We often internalise an authoritative voice (that usually operates with ‘shoulds/musts’ and ‘should nots/must nots’) and end up being divided into a part that orders, reproaches, punishes, or rewards (inner parent), and a part that obeys or sometimes rebels (inner child). This type of responsibility can be effective (in forcing you to do something, for example). However, it creates internal conflicts and needs to be constantly reinforced to make things happen. If you recognise that you too are divided into the ‘parent’ and the ‘child’, try this exercise:

Parent-child-adult: engage in dialogues with your inner parent and child. You can do it in your imagination or you can use two chairs for that purpose. Sit in one chair when you, as an adult, are talking, and in another one when either the ‘parent’ or the ‘child’ is talking. When speaking with the ‘parent’ try to find out more about it, where it is coming from, and why (if at all) you need its help; you may also, if you wish, assure that part that you can take care of yourself. When you talk to your inner child you may enquire if it still needs a parental figure and why. The overall aim is to integrate these aspects of yourself well.

When we talk about freedom we usually have in mind physical or political freedom (e.g. freedom of movement or freedom of speech). Personal freedom or autonomy is different – it is psychological freedom from drives and restraints within us. We can never be completely free from them (nor it would be desirable), but we can turn these determinants into influences over which we have a degree of freedom. Let’s see how to do it.

Why personal freedom matters

Personal freedom is freedom of your mind from what determines your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It is based on our ability to exercise choice. Although some circumstances may be more favourable for acting autonomously, choice is always possible regardless of circumstances. Lazarus, a renowned psychologist, asserts that ‘a person chooses rather than the environment, and sometimes this choice operates against the usual environmental pressures.’(1) Even people in the prison or the concentration camp have a choice (e.g. to despair or hope, to co-operate with their captors or not). But why does it matter? Wouldn’t we be more carefree without it? Wouldn’t our lives be easier if somebody or something else (e.g. a super-computer) told us what to choose and do (e.g. which socks to put on, what to eat, what programme to watch on TV, who to date, etc.)? Perhaps, but this is what makes us human – without personal freedom we wouldn’t be much different from machines; so the value of autonomy is not just instrumental but intrinsic. Think about how you feel when somebody is telling you what to do. She may have good intentions and her advice may be sound; yet you may feel almost irrational resistance – this is because you are trying to protect your autonomy. Just remember in such situations though that what actually limits your personal freedom is inside, not outside you.

How do I know if I am free or not?

Some of your thoughts, feelings, behaviour, values or attitudes may indeed be pre-determined. A usual sign of this is that you always act in some situations in the same way for no good reason or even against your better judgement. For example, you inevitably get defensive and snap when you feel criticised. If you suspect that this may be the case, ask yourself ‘do I have to act (think, feel) in this way, or I am free to do otherwise?’ If you believe you are free – test it next time, prove it to yourself. If you feel that you don’t have a choice and it bothers you, you may want to do something about your inner determinants.