26. Openness

This area is about openness to experience (see Communicating for openness with others). Openness can significantly affect the quality of life. If we are habitually closed, we may miss much no matter how favourable our circumstances are. On the other hand, if we are indiscriminately open, we can feel exposed, vulnerable and overwhelmed with outside input. This is why it is important to be in charge of regulating openness. So, in this area, we will focus on how to intentionally move along the openness/closeness scale.

The benefits of opening up

True openness means opening, to some degree, the whole being to an experience.  This is how we internalise the external, transform sensations into personal experiences – the magic of some dried leaves steeped in hot water becoming a delightful cup of tea. The main reason why it is good to open up is that it enriches our lives. Without it, even an eventful or abundant life may feel unfulfilling.   Closeness to experience is associated with boredom, emptiness and low moods because it allows little exchange between the inner and outer. There are also other benefits of opening up, too:

• It enables us to recognise new possibilities – it is easy to miss some things and opportunities if we are not open.
• It enables us to respond more effectively, particularly in new situations, because we recognise more clues more quickly.
• Opening up to experience is an essential part of learning and personal development and can enhance creativity, too[i].
• It affects the quality of relationships. Being closed off can make not only ourselves feel excluded but others, too.

Opening up is natural, but some bad experiences can make us feel vulnerable and anxious, so we learn to close down to protect ourselves. If this turns into a habit, we may find it hard to open up even when we want to. Let’s see what we can do about it.

How to open up

With some practice, you can quickly learn to open up at will. Here are some tips on what you can do at different stages of an event.

Beforehand: avoid negative expectations (e.g. “This meeting is going to be boring”), as they easily turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, approach an event with a positive attitude and commitment to find or create a nice or fulfilling experience.

At the beginning: relax – physical and mental tension makes us rigid and more difficult to open up. If needed, use your imagination (e.g., visualise opening the curtains or the window before you). Exercise your natural curiosity – get interested, reach out. Look around, rather than just in front of you.

During an experience: once you feel you’ve started to open up, you can stop putting effort into it and let the situation draw you out more spontaneously. Don’t force anything; just absorb what you are experiencing, making sure you are still nicely relaxed. Try to reduce judging the situation, yourself, others, and any other mind chatter (such as thinking about work-related issues while playing with your kids). Mind chatter is the greatest barrier to having a fulfilling experience.

Afterwards: reminiscence; rather than only checking whether you did or said something wrong and focusing on the worst, try deliberately to remember the best parts of the experience. This will make opening up in similar situations quicker and easier.

If you have tried the above and are still struggling, it may be worth examining why. It could be a habit that’s hard to shake, but it could also be something deeper, such as fear of opening up because of past experiences. If that’s the case, consider that even if that fear was justified then, it may now be holding you back unnecessarily and don’t give up. Experiment to see what works for you, perhaps starting in situations that don’t involve others (e.g. when in nature or in a gallery).

What also can give us confidence to open up is knowing how to close down as we feel more in control, which we will turn to next.

How to close down

We all find ourselves occasionally in situations that can be toxic or overwhelming (e.g. very busy or crowded places), so knowing how to close off at will can come in handy. It is common to use a phone or book to switch off from the immediate experience, but there are some reasons why it is not good to rely only on them: they sometimes can’t be used or are insufficient; you may end up missing something interesting; also, you don’t exercise the muscle of opening and closing. This is what you can do instead:

• Imagine a shield around you that protects you (what it looks like and consists of is entirely up to you). The shield can be psychologically effective even if not real. For that reason, remember to remove it when you no longer need it.
• Prepare mentally for what may come, as a disappointment or unpleasant surprise can crack your protective shield.
• Reduce the input of the surroundings with these tricks:
  • Tunnel vision: focus narrowly on what is in front of you. Many commuters do it spontaneously to avoid sensory overload in crowded stations, for example.
  • Focus on something at a distance (e.g. clouds, trees, or sounds that come from further away).
  • Think about something engaging to keep yourself in your head (e.g. calculate your taxes or make a shopping list).

Experiment with the suggestions above until you find what suits you best. Any situation, such as waiting for public transport or standing in a crowd, can be used for this purpose.

Combining opening and closing

After some practice, you don’t need to remember and go through all the suggestions to open up and close off at will. It will be enough to intend to do so, and you will feel it’s happening. At that point, you can combine them. Open and close a few times in the same situation and monitor how you feel. This capacity can be very useful, as sometimes you need to switch from one state to another quickly (e.g. when you arrive home from commuting). You can also be more in charge of when and how much to open.

When and to what extent to open up

We have a natural tendency to open up to potentially nice experiences and close down to harsh ones, but in the complex world we live, this may not be straightforward.

Let’s consider, for example, to what extent and why we should be open to difficult, sad or painful situations (e.g. homelessness, wars or famine in remote countries, ecological disasters). Ignoring them makes us less informed as well as less able to make accurate judgements and be helpful. Openness in such cases can motivate us to act, and it is often possible to do more than it seems at first glance (if nothing else, we can bring an issue to the attention of others). “It is none of my business” or “Nothing I can do about that” are often excuses to stay closed off to issues that require investment and effort on our part. On the other hand, we may have too much on our plate, be energy-depleted, or be too emotionally vulnerable to face such events. Furthermore, if we believe we can’t do much to make a difference, openness to such events can leave us feeling despondent and upset.

This complexity doesn’t only apply to challenging situations. Opening up to particularly new experiences is one of those things that makes life worth living, but some experiences may be pleasant for a while but draining or even toxic in the long term. We also need to be careful not only about what we open up to but how much. For example, we may be open to trying something out of curiosity or because others goad us, and end up in a situation that goes too far or gets out of control.

Unfortunately, there cannot be general guidance on when and to what extent to open up, as it depends on the situation, one’s personality, and the context. It is only you who can decide to what and how much to open up in a particular situation. For that reason, you always need to remain in charge. This requires listening to yourself and considering not only immediate but also long-term effects and consequences. As a rule of thumb, never open so much that you cannot close when you want to, and never close so much that you cannot open when you want to.

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[i] Rogers, C. (1954) ‘Toward a Theory of Creativity’ in Parnes, S. J. and Harding, H. F.  (eds) A Source Book for Creative Thinking. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons. 1962, p.67.