28. Pleasure

This area refers to the ways we relate to agreeable or enjoyable experiences and sensations. We will first consider the relationship between pleasure and happiness in order to see when and how pleasure can contribute to our happiness.

Pleasure and happiness

Pleasure and happiness can be related but they are not the same. Psychologists have observed that ‘pleasurable events may enhance happiness at the time of their occurrence, but their effects on the level of happiness tend to be transient’.(1) This is because pleasure is either temporary or we become habituated to it: to maintain the same level of pleasure, we need to increase the intensity or introduce something new.

Happiness, on the other hand, can be a lasting state of mind. It is associated with inner harmony (peace of mind), so it depends more on ourselves than on what is available to us. In fact, happiness is a natural state of being (that originates in love of life), but running after pleasures can make us forget this. So pleasure can either contribute to or hinder happiness. The latter occurs if pleasure becomes a need in itself. In such cases it creates dependency, makes the rest of life (inevitably a bigger part) look grey and dull, and makes us nervous and tense since we know at the back of our minds that it is temporary.

To avoid this and have pleasures contribute to your happiness you need to develop two complementary attitudes:

• Experiencing pleasures fully is less likely to create dependency or attachment because we feel completely satisfied (an incomplete experience, on the other hand, may lead to wanting more and even getting obsessed about something).
• Being in charge of your pleasures: enjoying pleasures without letting them enslave you.

Let’s see how these two can be put in practice.

Experiencing pleasures fully

There are several reasons why this often does not happen: Tension (or being nervous) kills pleasure, whether it is a date, watching TV, or playing a sport, and can have various causes:

• Fear of losing control allows some to relax only after an event. However, pleasure cannot be fully satisfying if it is not experienced ‘here and now’. Besides, you can relax and maintain control (as well as lose it even if you are not).
• Pleasure can be spoiled by worrying that something may spoil it! What’s the point of disturbing yourself by worrying that something else may disturb your pleasure?
• Trying forcefully to keep or prolong the moment of pleasure may also cause tension. You need to accept that no pleasure lasts forever but, in most cases, there is always tomorrow.
• Concern for the impression you leave (e.g. ‘what will she think of me if I reveal how happy she makes me?’) can result in shutting down. Openly showing pleasure is not a weakness – only feeling dependent and inferior to those who enabled it is.

It should be clear from the above that there is actually no good reason to get tense in pleasurable situations.

Shame and guilt may be useful before or after an experience because they can push you to change some bad habits. However, if you feel shame and guilt while you are doing something, they make it less fulfilling. True, ‘guilty pleasures’ may be attractive because they bring an initial excitement, but they create an inner conflict which makes the experience incomplete and more likely to be repeated (e.g. if you feel guilt while eating a cake, you will not enjoy it fully and easily succumb to the temptation again).

Not being fully present: the quality of experience may be spoiled if you think about something else. For instance, some already imagine bragging to others while still in the middle of something, which takes them away from experiencing the pleasure fully. If this applies to you, remember that talking about what you are going through is a different pleasure – don’t mix them up!

How to get most out of your pleasures

When we flip over the above ‘spoilers’, it is easy to see what we need to do to get the most out of our pleasures:

• Relax: try deliberately to let go of tension in your shoulders, neck and stomach, and relax. 
• Feel good about what you are doing: the pleasure is better when what we are doing is congruent with what we really want and value – in other words, if it doesn’t come at the expense of our peace of mind. So address your guilt and shame first and feel at least ok about what you are doing – or don’t do it.
• Be fully present: bring your mind gently back to your experience if you noticed that it has wandered off.

Mindful eating is an example of how to implement the above points which can be, of course, adapted to other experiences. This way of eating is not only more pleasurable but also optimises, without much effort, the amount of food consumed as you get fulfilled with less – a good way of controlling the weight without dieting – you can keep fit and healthy by enjoying food more!(2)

Prepare a few small pieces of food (e.g. cut some fruit or break a biscuit into a few bite-sized chunks).

• Make sure that you are relaxed before you start.
• Take a small bite and don’t rush. Chew slowly and peacefully and let yourself feel good about it.
• Avoid any distractions (talking to somebody or thinking about something else). Focus fully on savouring the experience and take pleasure in it.

Do you feel differently after eating in this way? If you feel better, what can you do to continue practising mindful eating (e.g. stop eating in front of your computer or TV)? What about sharing a meal with others? This can be a pleasure too, but it can also be a distraction, so it is suggested to practise mindful eating on your own first. When you make a habit of it so that you can switch imperceptibly between them, you can add that other pleasure too.

Being in charge of pleasure

We are all concerned about widespread addictions to tobacco, alcohol, junk food, drugs, sex and so on. However, the real issue is the addiction to pleasure itself. You can check where you are in this respect. How do you feel when you are not experiencing or seeking a pleasure? Are images of what you could have or get popping into your mind uninvited? Do you feel at peace or do you feel restless and that something is missing even if your real needs are actually satisfied? If the latter, you are not alone, it is quite common. What can counter this mother of all addictions is patiently nurturing a sense of inner harmony and peace of mind. In other words, happiness – it is well known that happy people depend on pleasures less. The exercise below can also help (with specific cravings as well as with this general one):

Craving control: 

1. Close your eyes, relax and imagine a trigger (something that brings the craving sensation).
2. Now, forget the trigger and focus on the craving itself – what does it look like? Where do you feel it?
3. Relax the surrounding area, accept and just observe that sensation with curiosity but dispassionately.
4. Do you want it? If not, allow the sensation to subside spontaneously or try gently to make some changes to the associated image (e.g. let it go, deflate it, rein it in).
5. Bring in another sensation that you are happy with (e.g. feeling good, feeling free, feeling strong, or in control).

This exercise is like a riding a bike, it may take some time to get the knack of it, but eventually it will become automatic – you will be able to go through it quickly even in social situations without anybody noticing it. But, how can you know if you are balancing pleasure right? In a nutshell, you have a good relationship with pleasure if you are experiencing your pleasures fully while you are partaking in them and if you are still happy when you are not.

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(1) Eysenck, M. W. (1990) Happiness. Hove: Erlbaum, p.120. 
(2) Kokkinos, A. et al. (2010) ‘Eating Slowly Increases the Postprandial Response of the Anorexigenic Gut Hormones, Peptide YY and Glucagon-Like Peptide-1’ in J Clin Endocrinol Metab, 95(1).

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.