20. Security

The sense of security is one of the basic human drives and unlike fear, for example, it does not always have an object: you may experience insecurity without a specific reason. This is because our sense of security (or lack of it) is mainly related to uncertainty. Uncertainty, on the other hand, can induce anxiety. So, before we turn to security itself, let’s consider anxiety first. We all experience anxiety from time to time, but many people nowadays suffer from excessive anxiety. Understanding what anxiety is and how to deal with it may be helpful.

Anxiety

Fear and anxiety are often used interchangeably nowadays, but to deal with anxiety better, it is important to understand that they are not the same. In fact, there is some evidence that they differ even on the level of physiological reactions, such as gastrointestinal activities.(1) The crucial difference is that an element of uncertainty, rather than an actual danger, is linked to anxiety. In other words, while fear has a clear object (we are always afraid of something), anxiety does not – it is an expression of our awareness of uncertainty: for instance, if a tiger appears in your room you will feel fear; if there is uncertainty whether a tiger will appear or not, you will feel anxiety. Here is a more realistic example of uncertainties associated with an exam: ‘What questions will we get? Am I prepared enough? Will I pass?’ You may be afraid of the consequences of failing, but your anxiety arises because of these uncertainties. Nowadays, there are a lot of uncertainties around, probably more than ever (regarding finances, work, relationships, the political and economic situation, climate change, you name it) – hence we are experiencing an anxiety epidemic. But this also means that anxiety is not a sign that something is necessarily wrong with you – it may even be good in small doses!

Anxiety control

Anxiety is not always unpleasant and can improve, as well as disrupt performance. If induced by uncertainty of the outcome of a game, book, movie, date or adventure, it is usually desirable and sought after. However, when anxiety is mixed with insecurity (when you start worrying that you won’t be able to cope or deal with the situation), it becomes excessive and unpleasant. In some cases it can cause physical reactions such as increased heartbeat and pulse rate, sweating, tingling, and shallow breathing. These, in turn, can increase anxiety further as they are involuntary and have unclear consequences. One way of breaking this vicious circle is to say to yourself ‘it is just my brain misfiring’, and try to reduce them by relaxing the body and deep, slow breathing. Many find this exercise useful in such situations:

Square breathing: focus on anything in your vicinity that is roughly square (or rectangular) shape. As you inhale, move your gaze from lower left corner of the square to the upper left corner while counting to four. While holding air in, counting again to four and bring your gaze to the upper right corner. As you exhale, move your gaze to the lower right corner and count to four (make sure that you exhale fully to avoid hyperventilation – too much oxygen in the blood is linked to panic attacks). To complete the cycle, bring your gaze to the lower left corner and counting to four while keeping your lungs empty. Repeat, as needed.

If the above does not reduce your symptoms, you can try to increase them (e.g. make your pulse even faster). They may indeed increase for a short while, but then they will start subsiding and possibly disappear. Learning to control anxiety is like learning to ride a bike – it gets better with practice, so try it now: think of something that makes you anxious. Become aware of all the sensations you experience and use one of these methods to control them. It doesn’t matter which, as long as you regain a sense of control; this reduces uncertainty and consequently anxiety.

The sources of security

We all seek some security, but there are productive and unproductive ways of achieving it. A need to feel secure sometimes leads people to adopt simplistic views based on superstition and prejudice (e.g. xenophobia, homophobia, racism, religious hatred, etc.). All such attitudes have in common a fear of difference, or fear of those who are different – they are based on a false belief that those who are different are always a threat to our security. However, being based on a false premise, they can only provide a false security. Moreover, they can lead to making wrong choices as well as treating others unfairly. So let’s consider other ways of building a sense of security. Generally speaking, there are two sources of security: external and internal.

External sources of security

External sources may be found in: 

• social structures (e.g. the police and the army, a political system that respects human rights, a fair and efficient legal system, or an economic system that secures jobs);
• personal image (e.g. a professional role, status, wealth);
• group (e.g. family, club, class, religion, nation);
• individuals (e.g. a partner, parents, friends);
• objects (e.g. an alarm system, a lucky charm, cross)

All of these sources can be effective in providing a sense of security (although not necessarily security itself), but they have some disadvantages:

• Most of them (e.g. the economic system) are not entirely in our control so we are, to a degree, at the mercy of circumstances.
• They are often temporary (e.g. security based on your status at work diminishes when you retire).
• Some limit personal freedom (e.g. a group that provides a sense of security may also demand that you conform to their rules).
• They can create a false sense of certainty (e.g. relying on a lucky charm may lead you to being less cautious).

So, perhaps it is worth considering internal sources.

Internal sources of security

These sources may be less tangible, but can create a lasting and stable sense of security and are less restrictive. They are:

• Accepting uncertainty: life can never be completely predictable, but uncertainty is not always negative. We often seek uncertainty, as a totally predictable life would be unbearably dull. The real problem is not uncertainty but insecurity. The former is not reduced by giving yourself the impossible task of making everything predictable, but by accepting uncertainty and developing the necessary skills to take advantage of it. What this means in practice is developing flexibility to adapt and be open to various possibilities, like a surfer who glides on waves instead of trying to control them.
• Being comfortable with differences: considering our ancestral past, it is perhaps understandable that some of us are wary of differences, but accepting them is more effective long term. Not all trees, animals, mobile phones or people are the same, so you’d better get used to it. Getting to know and understand differences can help with accepting them.
• Inner harmony: a sense of insecurity is often the consequence of internal conflicts (e.g. having a bad conscience, not being sure about what you are doing), so being at peace with yourself leads naturally to a sense of security.
• Being in charge of your life developed through self-discipline is a great source of security because you know that you can always rely on yourself.
• Knowledge: not knowing what is going on and what to do often create insecurity. So, learning how certain things work or why they occur can increase security (e.g. if you know how airplanes fly you will be more secure when you are in them).
• Faith in, for example, science, God, humankind, progress, etc., can also be an inner source of security as long as it does not create unrealistic expectations or clash with reality.

Check if there is something missing, and when you are satisfied that the list is complete, consider what you would like to be your main sources of security.

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(1) May, R. (1950) The Meaning of Anxiety. New York: Norton, p.197. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.