16. Personal Development

We are to some extent a product of our genes and the social environment, but we also create ourselves – to a large degree it is up to us what we will become and how far we will actualise our potential. This is what development refers to.

What personal development is

Remember the time when you were a kid. It is likely that you thought in a different way, liked doing different things or listened to different music. Perhaps you believed that you would stay the same forever, but these things changed – you developed. Development is not the same as aging though. Aging is a natural process that is largely genetically determined; development, on the other hand, is a potential that depends on our efforts and intentions. So, while the body stops growing at some point, then stagnates, and finally starts deteriorating, personal development does not have to. Our experience keeps accumulating, so your development does not ever need to stop – it is all up to you.

The prerequisites of personal development

You can develop in many ways on your own, but this process may be easier and quicker with some assistance (e.g. written materials, teachers or guides). After all, why not benefit from those who have already been on this journey? This does not mean accepting indiscriminately what others say – real development requires reflecting on what you absorb and making sure that you are the one who determines your path. Ultimately, this is your journey! There are many routes of personal development, so assistance is beneficial only if it goes in conjunction with your choice. Development though is not completely effortless, so some level of self-discipline is essential – it will not happen if you give in to inertia. Let’s consider now the types of personal development.

Two types of development

Quantitative

This type refers to developing specific capacities or competences (e.g. skills) – you become better at something. It is indicated by an increase of complexity, integration, and so on. For example, if you keep practising an instrument, you may be able to play more complex pieces of music or play in an orchestra. Besides such specific skills there are more generic ones. Positive psychologists call them strengths and suggest these: curiosity, diligence, open- mindedness, enthusiasm, reasoning, creativity, kindness, carefulness, self-control, appreciation of beauty, courage, communication skills, understanding, fairness, humour, stability, flexibility, determination, skilfulness, moderation, patience.

What are your strengths? How can you use them in a novel way? Which ones would you like to develop further? How can you do it?

Qualitative

A number of psychologists and philosophers(1) have proposed that we don’t only develop particular skills or strengths, but we also go through the qualitatively distinct stages of development. Distilling from many classifications, four such stages are proposed:

• Physical stage at which concrete thinking, bodily instincts and urges, and physical experiences dominate.
• Conventional stage adds to the above social norms and customs, and corresponding feelings (belonging, shame).
• Individual stage is characterised by an ability to reflect, self- determination, and personalised experiences.
• Transcendent stage involves an orientation beyond oneself (e.g. dedication to an ideal, spirituality, or others).

These stages should not be taken hierarchically: being at a further stage does not imply personal superiority(2) (as we can’t say that a year three student is necessarily better than a year two student). Quantitative development matters too, so any aspect of a person can be well or poorly developed at any stage. Further stages do not make life easier either. People just face different challenges.

Some of these stages begin earlier than others though: physical stage starts from birth, social stage starts from about age two, individual stage is usually reached around adolescence, and the transcendent stage may be (but not necessarily) reached in adulthood. The subsequent stages build on and modify the previous ones but they don’t replace them. In fact, any stage may dominate throughout one’s life.

Dimensions of qualitative development

The above stages can be applied to three dimensions (directions):

• Cognitive dimension (thinking): at the physical stage, thinking is concrete, usually about physical things. At the conventional stage, thinking relies on social constructs acquired through one’s family, culture, or religion. The individual stage involves reflection and self-reflection, examining one’s beliefs about the world and oneself. Thinking at the transcendent stage is more abstract and fluid; the focus shifts from objects to relationships and from personal to more universal principles and ideas.
• Dimension of experience: let’s take eating as an example: eating can be a purely physical experience, when the focus is solely on satisfying the physical need. At the conventional stage, cultural embodiment is also important (e.g. a particular setting or type of food, using a knife and fork or chopsticks). At the individual stage personal taste matters, and the transcendent one can perhaps best be described as ‘mindful eating’ , when eating becomes a form of meditation.
• Dimension of agency (will): at the physical stage the person is mainly driven by his or her instincts and urges. At the conventional stage, the reference point for one’s actions is cultural norms. At the personal stage, personal norms, self- expression and autonomy matter, while the transcendent stage involves transcending the personal for the sake of something greater. The reference point is universal norms.

We can be at different stages in each of these three dimensions, which can create an imbalance. If this applies to you, it may be worth considering how to make your development more balanced.

Developmental challenges

Development is an intrinsic drive; it is well known that preventing or inhibiting personal growth causes distress. However, this process has certain challenges that are worth considering:

• Development requires moving on from where you are, which can make you feel exposed, confused and vulnerable. It is vital to recognise that these feelings may be a part of the process rather than a sign of something being wrong with you.
• Development is rarely a straight upward line. Periods of progress are often followed by periods of stagnation or even regress. To avoid frustration, it is important to understand and accept that this is normal. Too rapid development can result in weak integration which, in turn, may lead to losing touch with everyday life and social isolation.
• Your development may create a conflict with others who are not on the same ‘wavelength’. It is important to recognise that you have the right to be different, but they have the right to be different too; different people can still live in harmony and enjoy each other’s company.
• If development is imbalanced, your more developed aspects may start dominating while others wither. So, you may excel in one area of life and remain immature in others.

Your direction

Having a developmental aim can be a guiding light that mitigates the above challenges. This exercise can help you clarify your aim:

Where do I want to be? Imagine yourself in five or ten years. What sort of person would you like to be then, what would you like to achieve in terms of your personal development? What do you need to do now to get there?

Bear in mind though that any aim is projected from where you are now and therefore, it may be at least partly coloured by your own present limitations. So developmental aims should be only provisional and open to change over time.

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(1) See, for example, Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1992) Flow. London: Rider p.221 and p.278, and Bee, H.L. (1987) The Journey of Adulthood. New York: Macmillan (chapters 10 and 13).
(2) See Haaften, W. van, Korthals, M., and Wren, T. (eds) (1997) Philosophy of Development. Dondrecht: Kluwer Academic Publishers, p.77. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.