35. Personal Responsibility

This area will start by clarifying the difference between two types of responsibility: imposed and personal. We will then consider why personal responsibility matters, and common strategies that are used to avoid it, as well as how we can counter them.

Imposed responsibility

The term responsibility is sometimes coercively used to reinforce complying with rules or order imposed from above. Parents, teachers and even managers resort to it. For our purpose though, it is particularly interesting that imposed responsibility doesn’t need to come from outside. We often internalise an authoritative voice (that usually operates with ‘shoulds/musts’ and ‘should nots/must nots’) and end up being divided into a part that orders, reproaches, punishes, or rewards (inner parent), and a part that obeys or sometimes rebels (inner child). This type of responsibility can be effective (in forcing you to do something, for example). However, it creates internal conflicts and needs to be constantly reinforced to make things happen. If you recognise that you too are divided into the ‘parent’ and the ‘child’, try this exercise:

Parent-child-adult: engage in dialogues with your inner parent and child. You can do it in your imagination or you can use two chairs for that purpose. Sit in one chair when you, as an adult, are talking, and in another one when either the ‘parent’ or the ‘child’ is talking. When speaking with the ‘parent’ try to find out more about it, where it is coming from, and why (if at all) you need its help; you may also, if you wish, assure that part that you can take care of yourself. When you talk to your inner child you may enquire if it still needs a parental figure and why. The overall aim is to integrate these aspects of yourself well.

Personal responsibility

Personal responsibility is different from the imposed one. It implies being accountable first of all to yourself. This should not be confused with a concern for your own interests and consequences only. Such an attitude is, in fact, often fostered by imposed responsibility as it relies on reward and punishment. Personal responsibility means recognising that your actions matter and you consider their consequences for yourself, others, as well as the world around you. As one author puts it, ‘orientating oneself by one’s conscience always requires the ability to situate one’s perspective within the wider framework of universal guidelines.’(1) It may require some effort and time to develop, but it is more reliable, lasting and congruent than imposed responsibility.

Why personal responsibility is important

• Accepting responsibility for your choices and actions is a part of personal development and becoming fully an adult.
• You are not really in charge of your own life if you don’t take responsibility for it. So, abdicating responsibility undermines your agency, which also has a negative effect on self-respect.
• You cannot be truly free without it either. While imposed responsibility may be restrictive, personal responsibility and freedom complement each other as the latter implies that you are free to choose and have some control over your actions.
• Irresponsibility is unsociable. Just consider how you feel when somebody else doesn’t take responsibility for their actions.
• Life often involves taking responsibility not just for ourselves but for something else (e.g. children, the elderly, house-plants, pets, work projects, the house, the environment, etc.). With imposed responsibility all these are reduced to a duty and a chore. This is not the case with personal responsibility, as it is intimately related to our personal choices and therefore it is better integrated with our personality.

Even so, taking responsibility is not always easy and can feel like a burden, so we tend to resort to various strategies to avoid it.

Strategies to avoid personal responsibility

Why do we use these strategies at all? Why do we want to deceive not only others but ourselves too? Well, personal responsibility is so fundamental (we cannot be fully human without it) that nobody wants to be perceived that he is relinquishing it. So we invent various ways of doing so without having to admit it (to others or to ourselves). These are the most usual ones:

• Victim playing means blaming others or circumstances (e.g. society, one’s genes, parents, school, etc.) in order to avoid taking personal responsibility. It is true that our circumstances may be unfavourable or unfair, but we are rarely completely passive in this respect. Even if we are or were real victims (of a war, for example) it is up to us to try to rise above the situation (there are many who have tried and succeeded in doing so).
• Justifications for our past actions are sometimes sensible, but they can also be just excuses (e.g. ‘she really wanted…’, ‘they deserved it’, ‘if we didn’t do it, somebody else would’).
• Rationalisations are false but plausible explanations for one’s intentions. They must include some level of self-deception to be effective. These are some typical examples: ‘if we don’t attack them, they will attack us’; ‘everybody does it’; ‘the assignment is unreasonable, so it is O.K. to cheat’).
• Childishness implies avoiding personal responsibility by not taking oneself and one’s actions seriously. A common example is having a giggle after saying or doing something that one knows is not right (or funny) in order to get away with it. This strategy can be learnt in childhood when one was not taken very seriously anyway. However, unlike being child-like (e.g. playing), childishness lacks spontaneity; it is a role adopted to avoid anxiety, embarrassment or guilt when we let ourselves indulge in irresponsible or thoughtless actions.

The first step in dealing with these is to recognise when they are just excuses and accept that you are responsible for your choices and actions. The following may help with this.

Strengthening personal responsibility

The following points can counter each of the above strategies:

• Take responsibility for your life: asking yourself the following questions can be an impetus to do so: ‘can I make something of my life? On whom or what does it depend?’
• Take responsibility for your past actions: to do so you need to be clear what was your responsibility, what was not, and what was shared responsibility in a given situation. Bear in mind that being honest with yourself and objective, rather than making excuses, leads to accepting (or doing something about) your limitations and making peace with yourself.
• Take responsibility for your future actions: to make sure that your rationale is not just a rationalisation, you need to check both, whether your starting premise is sound (to use one of the above examples, ask yourself ‘is it really true that the assignment is unreasonable?’) as well as the conclusion (‘even if it is unreasonable, is this a good reason to cheat?’).
• Take your life seriously: after all, you have only one life – if you don’t want to waste it, you’d better take it seriously. Furthermore, if you don’t take yourself seriously, others are unlikely to take you seriously either. To do so, you do not need to abandon fun, a sense of humour, or being child-like when it feels right. You only need to take into account that you and your actions really matter.

Moderating responsibility

Taking responsibility is really important, but with can go too with it. You cannot be responsible for everything, in many cases there are limits to what we can do, and sometimes responsibility is shared. Besides, we also have our own limits and sometimes there are unintended and unforeseeable consequences of our actions. A great novelist, Kafka, remarked that by imposing too great a responsibility, or rather, all responsibility, on yourself, you crush yourself. This is one way of saying that it is actually irresponsible to be excessive in this respect. So make sure that you take your fair share of responsibility for what is going on, but not more.

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(1) Deurzen-Smith, E. van (1988) ‘The Public World’ in Existential Counselling in Practice. London: Sage, p.57. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.