18. Confidence

We need some confidence in many situations (e.g. at an exam, sports competition, first date, driving test, or when performing in front of an audience). So we will mostly focus on how to strengthen and fortify confidence, and touch upon overconfidence, but let’s start with what confidence actually is.

What is confidence?

Essentially, confidence means believing in yourself, believing that you are ok and that you will be ok, in whatever situation you find yourself. In fact, we all have confidence, but we take it for granted in many situations and usually focus on those in which we don’t have it. For example, you may take your confidence as given when you are with your family, and fret about a lack of confidence when among your colleagues. So, confidence is already there, although perhaps not to a degree you want in any given situation. The good news is that we can change our level of confidence and expand it to other situations and activities. The exercise below that utilises an associative link (see diagram) can be a step in that direction. The rationale for this is that we can’t change our level of confidence at will. However, we can bring an image to our mind at will. So, if we make a link between an image and confidence, by bringing that image to mind we can bring confidence too.

Picture confidence

• Recall an experience in which you have felt confident (e.g. playing with a child, dancing, chatting to a friend, playing football, writing something, cooking, etc.).
• What does confidence look like? Make an image of it (give it a shape, colour and location within the body).
• Memorise that image and bring it up in situations in which you need more confidence.

Dealing with self-sabotage

The above may not be enough if there are aspects of you that undermine your confidence, so let’s see how to deal with them.

Putting down yourself: we can be our worst enemies in this respect. If this applies to you, you can take the following steps:

• Bring into the open and acknowledge your critical voice.
• Try to find out why it is there: perhaps you have internalised somebody else’s attitude towards you, or it may be your way of avoiding responsibility or possible failure (if you persuade yourself that you are not good enough, you don’t need to try).
• Now, you may need to do some soul searching and decide if undermining yourself is justified or helpful. If you conclude that it is, you may as well give up. Otherwise, you can tell that voice to shut up or it will be ignored or banished.
• The last step is to gradually replace unhelpful messages with realistic but supportive ones (see below).

Unhelpful thinking: negative thoughts before an event may help you predict what can go wrong and prepare better. However, in the midst of a situation, positive thinking and supporting oneself is much better. These are some examples of negative thinking:

• ‘I can’ t make it’ ; 
• ‘I am not good enough’ ; 
• ‘I will be rejected or laughed at’;
• ‘It was only luck’.

Can you transform these into more positive messages? Be careful though, saying things such as ‘Everything will be fine’, ‘I am great!‘ ‘Everybody will love me’, won’t do. It can create false inflated confidence that can easily be undermined if things don’t turn out as expected which, in turn, reduces confidence. Here are some suggestions that may be better:

• ‘I can try, and see how far I can get’;
• ‘I will do my best, this is what matters most’;
• ‘If somebody rejects me, it is their loss, not mine’;
• ‘It wouldn’ t happen without me’.

Building your confidence

Before an event

• Preparation: knowledge (of the subject, audience, challenges, etc.) and/or practice can all help you be prepared.
• Reduced expectations increase confidence as they are more likely to be fulfilled: for example, your confidence will be greater if you expect that one or two people will like you at a party rather than expecting that everybody will adore you.
• Your sense of power can relate to physical power, intellectual power, power of attractiveness or kindness. What is yours?

During an event

• Relax to reduce tension. This will make you feel better and appear better, which will, in turn, strengthen your confidence. Being too laid back though may lead to making mistakes, so it is important to relax and stay focused at the same time.
• Focus on what is happening, not yourself: if you are concerned with the impression you are making, you are dividing your attention, so forget yourself and focus on what is going on.
• Focus on being your best rather than on the outcome: you can draw confidence from your performance or from its results. For example, you may focus on playing a game or music well, or on the outcomes (winning / admiration from others). These two may be linked but are not the same. The former depends mostly on yourself, while the latter depends on circumstances and others and therefore it is less predictable and more likely to make you nervous. Thus, focusing on being your best can make you feel more at ease and confident.

After an event 

• Other people (their reactions, comments or feedback) can increase your confidence but they can squash it too, so perhaps it is not a good idea to rely on this form of support too much.
• Attributing success to stable factors (such as ability) rather than unstable factors (such as luck) also matters, so forget false modesty (‘it was only luck’) and own your successes.

Preserving confidence

Things don’t always go as planned, which can be a challenge to confidence. Let’s consider what to do in two typical situations:

If you made a mistake 

• Rather than trying to hide it, admitting (to yourself and others) that you have made a mistake will affect your confidence less.
• Avoid judging yourself in the name of others (e.g. ‘now they must think that I am stupid’). It is not fair to them, as they may not be thinking that way, and not fair to your confidence too.
• Balance the significance of a mistake by taking into account what you also did well (keeping a diary of such instances you feel good about can come in very handy).
• Learn from your mistake and try again as soon as possible. The more you delay, the greater your anxiety and the greater your chance of repeating the mistake will be.

If you receive negative feedback 

Check if there is some truth in what others are saying. If there is, make a change. Your confidence can grow, as you are now a different person from the one who was criticised. If there is no basis for it (sometimes people put others down out of envy or spite) remember that losing your confidence is exactly what they want – do not let them succeed!

Overconfidence

Being confident is important, but unrealistically high confidence can be even more harmful than the lack of it. Thinking that we always know best or that we are invincible leads to being blind to critical information and carelessness. Arrogance is actually often just a façade for ‘bluffer’s confidence’, characterised by taking unnecessary risks, stretching oneself too much, and alienating others. As all this can easily change success into failure, the usual outcome is a confidence rollercoaster. To avoid overconfidence you only need to recognise that you are heading in that direction and not let yourself be carried away. Allowing for the possibility that you may be wrong is less costly than ending up being wrong. So prudence, in fact, can strengthen your confidence.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.