2. Relating to Oneself

In this area, we will consider the two basic attitudes we can have towards ourselves: acceptance and rejection. Shame and guilt are closely related to these attitudes, so they are addressed too.

Acceptance and rejection

These are common signs of acceptance and rejection:

SELF-ACCEPTANCE	SELF-REJECTION
Being self-aware Feeling ok about a part of yourself that you don’t like Being open about it Being cool about it Feeling confident even if not perfect Being relaxed Being at peace with yourself	Being in denial Feeling ashamed or embarrassed Trying to hide it Hating or being afraid of it Feeling insecure even when there is no good reason Being tense Being in conflict with yourself

Why acceptance is better

Accepting yourself is better than rejecting because we can’t get away from ourselves. Rejection doesn’t make the rejected part disappear; its influence only shifts to the subconscious level and, in that way, often grows. It also creates an inner conflict that is unpleasant and energy-consuming. As Freud noticed a long time ago, not only is the initial act of repressing effortful, but continuous energy is needed to keep the rejected suppressed. On the other hand, acceptance enables you to reduce inner conflicts and build security and confidence. It is also the basis of personal integrity. And let’s not forget that those who accept themselves are more likely to be accepted by others, too.

Acceptance and change

Some people do not want to accept disagreeable aspects of themselves because they believe that this would prevent them from making a change. However, rather than leading to a constructive change, rejection more often leads to an attempt at a shortcut – creating a false personality (see ‘Self-deceit’). So, let’s make it clear: acceptance does not mean complacency – quite the opposite, it can be the first step toward a constructive change. After all, by accepting what you have previously rejected, you are already making a change. It is easier to move on if we first acknowledge where we are. Furthermore, acceptance may be good even if it doesn’t lead to a change. For example, accepting your limitations may help you form realistic expectations and minimise disappointment. You may ask, ‘But if I accept everything, won’t I lose the desire to change?’ Not necessarily; accepting fully that you are where you are now doesn’t preclude wanting to make a move: the present and the future don’t need to be the same. Acceptance will only help you decide if the change is worthwhile. The exercise below can help you find out how you relate to various aspects of yourself and develop a more accepting attitude.

Developing self-acceptance: imagine that you are watching yourself in the cinema; your body, behaviour, attitudes and habits. You can see your thoughts, feelings, desires and fantasies too. Have you noticed something that makes you uncomfortable, that you don’t accept (be aware that positive things may also be difficult to accept)? If you have, come back to that and note your reactions. Now, imagine how it would feel if you accepted it. To nurture this feeling, it may help to think that you are your own best friend – treat yourself in this way. Also, try to see that what you find difficult to accept in a context, as one part of the whole picture of your life. If the old rejecting thoughts and attitudes return out of habit, just keep saying to yourself, ‘Right now, I accept.’

Guilt and shame

Guilt and shame are similar but not the same. One useful way to distinguish between them is to think of shame as a reaction to a perceived deviation from social norms, and guilt as a reaction to a perceived deviation from personal norms. So, guilt is more closely related to your own judgments, while shame is more closely related to concern about the judgments of others (they don’t need to be present; imagining them is enough). For example, if you notice that your fly is open, you will probably feel nothing if you are alone. However, if you are with others and they notice it, you are likely to feel embarrassed (a mild form of shame). On the other hand, you may feel guilty for eating an extra piece of cake, even if nobody else is bothered by it.

The purpose of guilt and shame

Why do we have these largely unpleasant feelings in the first place? They serve as corrective mechanisms that can deter us from repeating mistakes or provide energy and motivation for further growth. However, such feelings are appropriate only in relation to actions and consequences for which we are responsible.

This is particularly important in the case of shame. Feeling ashamed or shaming others for something that we or they cannot do anything about (e.g. height, nationality, age, certain physical features) is misplaced, to say the least. Furthermore, sometimes social expectations may be inadequate rather than what we do (e.g. expectations related to sexuality). In such cases, we may resolve to withstand the pressure rather than change ourselves. This may be challenging, but the shame will be gone.

Unhelpful ways of dealing with guilt and shame

Remaining stuck with guilt or shame can be debilitating, make us insecure, and even arouse suspicion in others (since they can’t know whether your guilt is justified). It is not surprising that we want to get rid of them quickly. Here are some common strategies that can temporarily reduce unpleasant feelings but come with significant drawbacks:

• Ignoring or suppressing guilt and shame creates internal conflict as they remain within us.
• Self-punishment offers false hope of redemption, but it only makes things worse.
• Justifying, making excuses, or blaming others rarely convinces others, and deep down, it doesn’t convince us either.

These are essentially mind tricks that make repeating the same behaviour more likely than creating meaningful change, along with all the consequences that come with it. Instead, here’s what we can do to use guilt and shame for good—and then let them go:

Addressing guilt and shame

Address the situation constructively: correct what can be corrected, and accept what can’t be as well as the consequences. Take responsibility for what is truly yours (but not more than that). Acknowledge your feelings and grieve if necessary, but avoid dwelling on the past. Focus on the future and use that emotional energy to turn what happened into something meaningful. For example, if you can’t make amends to those directly affected, you can ‘pay it forward’ by committing to do something constructive elsewhere.

Address yourself constructively: accept that you did not meet your expectations and try to get to the root of it. Then, either adjust your expectations or meeting them by initiating change. Make a firm resolution to act differently next time, develop strategies that will help you follow through, and put them into practice.

Forgive: when you have done what you could to repair the harm and to prevent similar situations in the future, guilt and shame served their purpose. You can now leave them behind, and treat yourself with compassion.