21. Relating to Death

Death has a special significance because it is the boundary of physical existence and is the only future certainty. How we relate to death has profound effects on how we live our lives, which is why it is worth looking at it.

Why it is good to accept death

The two basic ways of relating to death are acceptance and denial. Denial is common because it helps to at least temporarily avoid fear and other unpleasant feelings associated with death. However, many philosophers and psychologists recognised the value of accepting the existence of death, and warned against denial. There are several good reasons for that:

• Death is a part of the life cycle and denying it means denying life as it is – acceptance enables us to take life in its totality.
• Sooner or later everybody has to face death (that of others and finally their own), which is harder to do if unprepared; those who accept death as a part of life are in a better position and more in control in such situations.
• Accepting death puts small misfortunes and self-importance in perspective and can make us more courageous.
• The awareness of death can contribute to decision making and prioritising: it reminds us that the time to accomplish our projects is limited and that nothing can be taken for granted.
• Many have observed or experienced that being aware of death leads to a greater respect of life and finding value in every moment – somewhat paradoxically, it makes us more alive.

Accepting death should not be confused, though, with worrying,  obsessing or fantasising about it (e.g. imagining when, where and how one may die). These have the opposite effects (e.g. depressive moods, resignation, a disregard for the consequences of one’s actions and long-term goals). Acceptance is also not surrendering to or hastening death by reckless behaviour (usually a misguided way to deal with death anxiety). It just means accepting its inevitability for all, and seeing life and death as inseparable.

The following exercise is an example of how the awareness of death can be used to affect your attitudes and behaviour:

Putting life in perspective

• Is there anything that you would regret if somebody you know (a friend, relative, colleague) suddenly died? What can you do about it now, while that person is still alive?
• How about yourself? If you were on your deathbed, is there anything you would regret? Can you do something about it now?

 

The meaning of death

Acceptance may be better than denial, but it is not easy. Death is one of the most difficult phenomena to come to terms with. Recognising that death has a purpose may help. To do so, let’s consider what it would be like if death did not exist:

• Without death, our motivation to do something would diminish as we could postpone doing anything indefinitely.
• Death also greatly reduces suffering (think, for example, of a badly injured, sick or old animal in the wilderness).
• Thanks to death, we live. We would not exist at all without it, as the planet would be populated with other organisms well before the appearance of humans, not to mention ourselves.

Dealing with the fear of death

Even when we accept death cognitively, we may still have fears and anxieties relating to death. Those fears make one cling to physical reality, which increases the fear further, creating a vicious circle. Death cannot be avoided, but this can be. To do so, rather than running away from your fears and anxieties, face them. You can, for example, write or talk to somebody about your feelings and thoughts about death. The following three can also help:

Presence – focusing on here and now. Since we are alive now, we cannot be dead now; we can only die in the future. So, by firmly focusing on the present moment, you can greatly reduce death anxiety. Even if you were on death row, you would not be perturbed if you could fully focus on the present.

Meaning in life – people who believe that life has a purpose or see themselves as a part of something greater seem to be more resilient to death anxiety.

Life satisfaction – people who are satisfied with their lives also cope better with death anxiety[i]. Coming to terms with your life can help you come to terms with your death.

Matters of death

In this part, we listed a variety of concerns related to death, because it is easier to address them if they are approached separately. As this may be a sensitive issue that requires a more individualised approach, only a few general ways of dealing with these concerns are suggested; you may add others that suit you:

• Dying that may involve pain, sickness, helplessness: none of these is inevitable, so there is no point in worrying about it.
• Unpredictability of the moment of death: if this bothers you, consider that knowing when we would die may be worse.
• The unknown: none of the views about what happens after death has been conclusively proven (or disproven). It is up to you to choose the one that makes sense to you. If you can’t decide, you can think of death as an adventure.
• Loss of at least everything physical, including the body: if there is an afterlife, it is certainly not physical, so it is best to experience this aspect of life fully while we can, but without getting attached to it (these two are compatible).
• Those left behind (a partner, children, parents, friends): do what you can (with them / for them) while you still can.
• Practical issues (funeral, will, etc.): if you care about these things, attend to them to have peace of mind.

There is also the death of others that requires special attention.

Loss and grieving

If we live a reasonably long life, it is almost inevitable to experience loss and go through a grieving process. When it happens, it is important to accept grieving as a natural way of coming to terms with the loss. ‘Bottling up’ one’s emotions may work in the short term but at the expense of prolonging the process (sometimes indefinitely). Grieving may be painful, but it can also be transformative. That said, there is no right (or wrong) way of grieving. While some people benefit from being expressive about their grief, others process it better on their own. There may be episodes of denial, guilt, fear, anger and sadness. We may have strange feelings, thoughts, desires and physiological reactions. Grief usually comes in waves, but its overall length varies from person to person. This is all normal as long as the process moves toward eventual acceptance and letting go. It is possible, though, to get stuck. If this is the case, you (or somebody you know) may need assistance. Bereavement counselling can help the bereaved in several ways: to accept the reality of the loss, to work through their emotions, to deal with issues that prevent them from moving on, and to restructure reality and adjust to life without the lost one.

Supporting those who grieve

• The following suggestions might be helpful, bearing in mind that no size fits all and that sometimes no consoling words will do.

  • Don’t force on others what you think is a ‘right’ way of grieving; respect the person’s own coping strategy.
  • Remember that you are probably not the first and only person asking them how they feel. That question can be wearing. For some people, grief is a very private matter.
  • Be aware that ‘positive thinking’ (e.g. ‘It will be ok’, ‘You will get over it’) may backfire and make things worse.
  • The best you can do in these situations is to be there for the mourner; you can give them a hug (if appropriate), listen to them (if they want to talk) and perhaps offer to help with practical things (grocery shopping, washing dishes, etc.).
  • Being sensitive and patient is always appreciated.

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[i] Lepp, I. (1968) Death and its Mysteries. New York: Macmillan; Kalish, R. A. (1981) Death, Grief, and Caring Relationships. Belmont: Brooks/Cole.