62. Intrinsic Relationships

This area is based on the universal human need (sometimes called ‘affiliative need’) to be with others. Intrinsic relationship can spontaneously appear in any situation. For instance, you may have a chat with a shop assistant or a stranger in a train for no particular reason; it is also an important component of intimate relationships. However, the most prominent type of intrinsic relationship is friendship, so this is what we will mostly focus on here.

What matters in intrinsic relationships

An intrinsic relationship is a relationship that is an end in itself – its main purpose is to be with others. So, instrumental motives (wanting or trying to get something out of your friends) can spoil it. This is not to say that friends should not or cannot help each other, but when friendship is used as a bargaining chip to make others do something for you, it ceases to be a real friendship. Some other things really matter in this type of relationships.

Affective elements of intrinsic relationship

Intrinsic relationships usually include an affective component (we tend to like or love our friends). These feelings can be stimulating and refreshing because they relieve us from being preoccupied with ourselves. However, there is a catch: we also want to be liked and loved, but if we like and love others in order to be liked and loved, this is not intrinsic anymore. It becomes instrumental – which others can easily pick up. So, what can we do about this? Start by liking and loving yourself to reduce dependency on others. Then you can like or love others without expecting them to return it. There may be some truth in the saying that ‘unless you love yourself you cannot love another’. Ideally, loving and being loved get blended like a smoothie! Liking and loving need to be nurtured though, for which some other ingredients are necessary.

Closeness and trust

Closeness and trust are the defining features of friendship. What leads to closeness is self-disclosure, the revelation of our personal layers. This sort of openness means, in a way, placing yourself in your friends’ hands; so how far you go in this respect depends on the extent to which you can trust them and to the extent of the closeness that all involved seek to achieve. This simply means not going further than you feel comfortable. Of course, the same applies the other way around. It is important to be aware of how others feel and what they want. Trying to get close too quickly or forcing closeness may provoke anxiety, destabilise the relationship and alienate others. Moreover, if a degree of closeness is not mutual, it may affect the balance in the relationship and somebody can get hurt. If this happens to you, nurture yourself, reduce the importance of what has happened and then distance yourself or close down at least a bit (see Protection). Getting close and self-disclosure has the potential of deepening a relationship, but it should not lead to losing yourself.

Care and support

Care and support are essential for intrinsic relationships. Research suggests that close, confiding and supportive relationships even enhance health by preserving the immune system and encouraging good health habits.(1) Care primarily means acceptance, being there for others and showing that they matter. Affirmative and optimistic views (that include, rather than exclude, the other) provide support too because they can increase a sense of security and hope. This doesn’t mean being indiscriminate or biased. Friendship is not about taking your friend’s side no matter what, but developing trust that even if she has failed or done something wrong, she will not be rejected but supported in her resolve to change or improve. But what if your friends don’t care for you as much as you care for them? What if it appears that you don’t matter to them as much as they matter to you? This indicates that the other two ingredients of intrinsic relationships, reciprocity and equality, need to be addressed.

Reciprocity

If there is not at least some reciprocity in receiving and giving, a relationship is unlikely to last. Reciprocity reinforces closeness, equality and care, while concentrating only on getting creates dependency and possessiveness. To be able to give though, you need to first be aware that you have something to give (e.g. goods, attention, support, affection, time, a helping hand). Furthermore, giving needs to be intrinsic in this kind of relationship – giving in order to receive (e.g. gratitude or praise) doesn’t count! So, feeling that your friend is ungrateful is somewhat misplaced if your giving has been intrinsic. However, giving is meaningful only if it is voluntary, so there is no point in giving what you don’t really want to give. Indiscriminate giving is not productive. You may be taken for granted if you leave the impression that you would yield to any demand. What is easily obtained is often less valued. By the same token, imposing yourself, forcing on others what they do not want, is also not a sign of friendship. So, reciprocity is not about what and how much you get or give – it is about your sense that getting and giving are right for all involved.

Equality

Mutual acceptance and equality are the foundations of any friendship. An intrinsic relationship is difficult to maintain if the persons involved do not consider themselves equal. As an Irish toast to good friends goes: ‘Never above you, never below, always beside you.’ What this means in practice is that friends should respect and also be a match for each other.

Improving friendship: imagine vividly an ideal friend (could be a real one or fictional) especially regarding closeness and trust, care and support, reciprocity, and equality. Now, imagine that you are an ideal friend (using the same criteria). Compare a relationship between such friends with the ones you have. If you find that there are differences, think about how that gap could be narrowed.

Reconciling differences

Sometimes we enjoy the company of another person or people and want to be with them, but we don’t necessarily like the same things. We may prefer watching sports to going to the theatre; or we may like different types of movies. There are two ways of dealing with such differences without having to compromise. 

1. Modifying the situation by looking for other options; for example, finding a type of movie that you both like, or doing different things separately and meeting for dinner later. If you can identify an end desire or need that underlies what you want more options may present themselves.
2. Modifying one’s preferences: discover the joy of activities or the kind of movies you normally don’t care about. Note that this is not a compromise. Compromise would mean doing something for the sake of the other and not really enjoying it. In contrast, this means making an earnest attempt to get to like it – which entails being open-minded and possibly modifying your likes and dislikes. It also requires some help from the other side (e.g. if you are bored watching football the other needs to help you find a way to make it engaging, interesting, enjoyable or worthwhile). You may ask though ‘what if it is always me doing this and the other side is not willing to try what I like?’ Well, as that saying goes, you can get a horse to water but you can’t make it drink! And if it is genuinely about learning and growth, it is their loss rather than yours.

All change: as other long-term relationships, a long-term friendship too can have its ebbs and flows. People sometimes evolve in different directions and may not enjoy each other’s company so much anymore. Then again, friends are sometimes infrequently in touch not because something is wrong with the friendship, but because everything is right! It is difficult to know with certainty where the relationship is, so it is better to accept that you can never ‘step in the same river twice’ and follow your own instincts and intrinsic desires (you call somebody not because you feel you ought to or you worry, but because you want to).

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(1) Argyle, M. (1987) The Psychology of Happiness. London: Methuen, p.199. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.