21. Relating to Death

Death has a special significance because it is the boundary of physical existence and the only future certainty. In this area we will mainly examine the ways we can relate to death, as this can have profound effects on our attitudes towards life (e.g. our decision making). Loss and grieving will also be addressed.

Why it is good to accept death

The two basic ways of relating to death are acceptance and denial. It is quite common to deny death for as long as possible. Denial of death enables us to avoid, at least temporarily, fear and other unpleasant feelings usually associated with death. However, many philosophers and psychologists have recognised the value of being aware of our mortality and accepting death, and warned against denial. There are some sound reasons for this:

• Death is a part of the life cycle and denying it means denying life as it is – accepting death, therefore, enables us to take life in its totality.
• Sooner or later everybody has to face death (that of others and finally their own), which is harder to do if unprepared; those who accept death as a part of life are in a better position and more in control in such situations.
• Accepting death puts in perspective small misfortunes and self- importance, and can make us more courageous.
• The awareness of death can contribute to decision making and prioritising too; it reminds us that the time to accomplish our projects is limited and that nothing can be taken for granted.
• Many have observed or experienced that being aware of death leads to a greater respect of life and finding value in every moment – somewhat paradoxically, it makes us more alive.

The following exercise is an example of how the awareness of death may affect your present attitude and behaviour:

Putting life in perspective 

• Is there anything that you would regret if somebody you know (a friend, relative, colleague) suddenly died? What can you do about it now, while that person is still alive?
• How about yourself? If you were on your death bed is there anything you would regret? Can you do something about it now?

We should be clear though that accepting death does not mean worrying, being obsessed or fantasising about it (e.g. imagining when, where and how one may die). Such inclinations may lead to resignation, poor moods, as well as disregarding long-term goals and the consequences of our actions. Acceptance also does not mean surrendering to or hastening death by reckless behaviour (which is another form of denial). It just means accepting its inevitability for all, and seeing life and death as inseparable.

Coming to terms with death

• Express your feelings and thoughts about death through writing (or talking about it to somebody).
• If you find the above disturbing or difficult to accept, read on and come back to this when you finish.

The meaning of death

Acceptance may be better, but it is not easy. Death is one of the most difficult phenomena to come to terms with. Recognising that death has a purpose may help. To do so, let’s consider what it would be like if death did not exist:

• Without death, our motivation to do anything would diminish as we could postpone doing something indefinitely.
• Death also greatly reduces suffering (think, for example, of a badly injured, sick or old animal in the wilderness).
• Thanks to death, we live. We would not exist at all without it, as the planet would be populated with other organisms well before the appearance of humans, not to mention ourselves.

Dealing with the fear of death

Even if we accept death cognitively, we may still struggle with anxieties and fears relating to death. This is what may help us keep these emotional reactions under control:

• Presence – focusing on here and now. Since we are alive now we cannot be dead now, we can only die in the future. The future doesn’t exist yet, so by focusing on the present moment you can minimise anxiety. Even if you were on death-row you would not be perturbed if you could fully focus on the present.
• Meaning in life – people who believe that life has a purpose seem to be more resilient to death anxiety; this is probably because they see themselves as a part of something greater.
• Life satisfaction – research shows that people who are satisfied with their lives cope better with death anxiety.28 So coming to terms with your life can help you come to terms with your death.

Matters of death

It may be easier to face possible concerns related to death if they are separated (some ways of dealing with them are suggested, but you may find different ones):

• Dying (pain, sickness, helplessness etc.): they are not inevitable, so don’t worry unnecessarily.
• Loss (of at least everything material, including the body): this is inevitable for everybody who is alive or has ever lived, so enjoy the material aspect of life while you can, but avoid getting too attached to it.
• The unknown (of what happens after – if anything): there are a number of possibilities in this respect and none of them has been proven conclusively; if you can’t decide which one makes sense to you, embrace it as an adventure.
• Unpredictability (of the moment of death): it would be worse if we knew when we would die (think about those who do).
• Those left behind (a partner, children, parents, friends): do what you can (with them / for them) while you still can.
• Practical issues (funeral, will, etc.): if you care about these things, seeing to them can bring peace of mind.

Loss and grieving

Relating to death is not only about relating to our own death but to the death of others too; in fact, some find it more difficult to deal with the prospect of the latter than the former. When this time comes, it is important to accept that grieving is a natural process that may be painful but allows us to come to terms with the loss. There is no right (or wrong) way of grieving; we may go through periods of denial, guilt, fear, anger and sadness.

We may have strange feelings, thoughts, desires and physiological reactions. Some research even shows that not being expressive about one’s grief might work better for some people (although this should not be confused with ‘bottling up’ one’s emotions). Grief usually comes in waves and its overall length can also vary. This is all normal as long as it is a part of the process leading to acceptance and letting go. Sometimes, however, people get stuck. If this is the case, you (or somebody you know) may need assistance. Bereavement counselling can help the bereaved in a number of ways: to accept the reality of the loss, to work through your emotions, to deal with issues that prevent you from moving on, and to restructure reality and adjust to life without the lost one.

How to support those who grieve

This is tricky because no size fits all and sometimes no consoling words will do. Still, these suggestions might be useful:

• Don’t force on others what you think is a ‘right’ way of grieving; respect the person’s own coping strategy.
• Remember that you are probably not going to be the first and only person asking them how they feel, which can be wearing; furthermore, for some people grief is a private matter.
• Be aware that ‘positive thinking’ (e.g. ‘It will be ok’, ‘You will get over it’) may backfire and make things worse.
• The best you can do in these situations is to be there for the mourner; you can give them a hug (if appropriate), listen to them (if they want to talk) and offer to perhaps help with practical things (grocery shopping, washing dishes etc.).
• Being sensitive and patient is always appreciated.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.