23. Attachment

Attachment plays an important role in life, but misconceptions about it are common and often reinforced by popular culture (e.g. a detached hero has been glorified in many Hollywood movies) so let’s start with clarifying how this term is used here.

What attachment is

The term attachment was first used in psychology in the mid- twentieth century to signify the relationship between an infant and its mother. Soon after, the use of this expression has spread to any other significant relationships. Here, this term has an even wider meaning, as reflected in everyday language. It refers to a subjective sense of connectedness to something or somebody else. This is different from the above-mentioned use in several ways:

• Attachment is not only limited to relationships with other people. It can also include attachment to animals (e.g. pets), objects (such as money), ideas (e.g. socialism), places (one’s country or town), activities (a job or hobby), pleasures (e.g. food) or styles (e.g. fashion, music).
• The sense of attachment cannot be equated with emotions, although it very often involves them. It is possible to be attached to somebody or something without being emotional (out of habit, for example), and to be emotional without being attached (e.g. when watching a movie).
• Attachment does not depend on physical proximity or social roles. For instance, it is possible to live with one’s spouse and not feel attached to her, or not live with somebody (who can even be dead) and still be attached to her.

To bring some clarity, we will draw from the Eastern traditions and break up this umbrella term into three related concepts: attachment, non-attachment and detachment. They can be seen as a part of the same continuum.

Attachment

Attachment is an intense feeling of connectedness and it most often relates to our sense of security, which is why it increases in threatening situations (have you noticed that people tend to grab or cling to something or somebody in such situations?).

Attachment can have positive effects on our health and close relationships, but it may restrict our freedom and flexibility, increase dependency, and intensify distress if a loss occurs. Very intense attachment can also lead to detaching from the rest of the world (e.g. neglecting everybody else when in a new relationship).

When one tries to control the object of attachment, it becomes possessiveness. Possessiveness is likely to arise when feelings originate in the need for attachment (e.g. falling in love just to be with somebody), rather than attachment growing out of feelings. It usually indicates insecurity and is anxiety provoking because nothing can be possessed forever.

Excessive attachment and possessiveness usually have negative consequences for everybody involved and for relationships in general. Sometimes in-depth work might be required to reduce them, but these exercises can help too:

Letting go: If you feel too attached to something or somebody, the sense of letting go, releasing, or floating away, may help. To invoke these sensations relax first and then use your imagination (e.g. imagine letting a balloon drift away or releasing a bird from a cage).

Disidentification: it is believed that attachment to external objects or people are formed through attachment to our internal states (e.g. emotions, thoughts or desires). To gain more control in this respect take a step back and remind yourself that these mental events are only a part of you. To reinforce this process, you can keep repeating to yourself statements such as ‘I am not my desire, it is only a part of me’, ‘I am not these thoughts, they are only a part of me…’. This should help you disidentify with them.

Non-attachment

Non-attachment means that the subjective sense of connectedness is under your conscious control, so it can be varied (e.g. you can revoke it if you want). This can be a good antidote to inertia and increase your choices.

Non-attachment does not imply being uninvolved. In fact, it enables you to approach everything without fear of getting stuck and a need to put up barriers. You can be warm and still remain cool. It also does not mean denying anything to yourself, but rather liberating yourself from dependency, craving and the need to possess the objects of your desires. In other words, non-attachment allows you to be in charge of this sense of connectedness, which enables greater flexibility, independence, and a variety of experiences.

This is not to say that non-attachment is always best. In some cases it may reduce the quality and depth of experience, and may make it harder to maintain commitment or persistence.

Cultivating not-attachment is a part of Eastern spiritual traditions and it can be a lifelong process (depending on how far you want to go in this respect). The already suggested interventions in this chapter may help with this, but they may not be enough. Here are some attitudes that are conducive to cultivating non-attachment:

• Be tentative (e.g. avoid thinking in terms of either ‘’I must have…’ or ‘I don’t care’; try ‘I’d like…’ instead).
• Nurturing patience goes hand in hand with non-attachment.
• Avoid taking anything for granted and treat everything you relate to with respect.
• Accept that you don’t need to have or keep something in order to enjoy it (think of a sunset or a painting in a museum).
• Letting go may be a part of liking or loving something or somebody (e.g. a butterfly in your hand).
• Non-attachment does not mean not being passionate – let your passion rise but let it subside too. Gentle feelings are not less valuable and can be even more profound.

As a rule of thumb, if you are able to fully engage with something when it is there and let it go when it is not, you got it right.

Detachment

Detachment refers to the subjective sense of disconnectedness with one’s surroundings. It can sometimes serve a purpose (see below), but it can turn into a habit – in effect, being incapable of connecting anymore. This can prevent us from developing and fully experiencing closeness, which impoverishes our quality of life and can create a sense of isolation and loneliness.

Detachment can have several roots:

• It can start (often in childhood) as a coping strategy when others don’t respond to our emotional needs.
• Self-protection: creating a psychological shield can also lead to detachment as an unintended consequence.
• An impression that one wants to leave (e.g. looking cool).

If you feel too detached, you can try the following:

Get connected 

• Take care of somebody or something – for example, you can get a plant for your room or a pet.
• Open up and try deliberately to be more interested and curious about the world around you.
• Use your imagination – visualise invisible threads connecting everything in the world, including yourself.

All three

Although the state of non-attachment may be preferable most of the time, there is a place in life for attachment and detachment. For example, when we are deeply committed to something or somebody, a sense of attachment (as long as it doesn’t become possessiveness or an obsession) may be appropriate. By the same token, detachment may sometimes be the best response (e.g. in emergencies or fights). So we should aim for non-attachment, but occasionally allow ourselves attachment and detachment.

As a rule of thumb, detachment may be desirable in short and intense negative experiences, attachment in long-term, low intensity positive experiences, and non-attachment in all other situations.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.