17. Courage

This area highlights the meaning and purpose of both fear and courage and suggests interventions that may help you be more in charge in this regard. We start by considering when fear is useful and when it is not.

Fear and its purpose

Fear can play a valuable role in deterring us from engaging in potentially damaging situations and actions – without it we would easily become reckless. Fear also provides extra energy, which is sometimes needed in dangerous situations. However, in the complex world we live in, fear can be unhelpful, for example, when it is misplaced – this happens when we wrongly associate some situations with a physical danger. For this reason, it is important to separate realistic and unrealistic fears. Fear can also be an impediment or even make things worse when it is exaggerated or out of control (e.g. you jump out of the bath because you’ve seen a spider, slip on the wet floor, and hurt yourself). So let’s look first at how we can deal with fear reactions.

Dealing with fear reactions

The feeling of fear may trigger a number of emotional reactions such as freezing, trembling, ‘jelly legs’, wanting to scream, hide, or run away, or feeling like fainting. These reactions are not pleasant, and furthermore, they may be embarrassing if they happen in social situations. For these reasons, it is easy to develop fear of fear – or fear of one’s own reactions. So let’s make it clear that you are not going to die from them; you do, in fact, have much greater control over these reactions than you may think. Even if you do react, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. The best you can do in such situations is not feed fear further by fearing your possible reactions (“I will make a fool of myself”, “Something horrible will happen!”, “I am going to have a heart attack!”). By fearing them, you are making more likely to have such reactions. Give yourself a pep talk instead: acknowledge that it is natural to have an urge to react when experiencing fear, and then explain to your body/brain (which is reacting) that this urge is neither needed nor helpful right now – so your body/brain can relax. You should quickly start relaxing. In case this is not enough, imagine that somebody else is in your situation; what would you say or do to help them? Once you have some control over your reactions, you may dig a bit deeper and look for the cause.

The cause and trigger of fear

A trigger for your fear may be different from its cause. This is because a distressing experience may lead to developing a fear of anything that you associate with that experience (e.g. when you were little, you were attacked by a dog near a rose bush, and now rose bushes may trigger fear in you). This exercise can help you determine what you are really afraid of and whether or not your fear is justified:

What am I really afraid of?

Simply keep asking yourself, “why am I afraid of x, what is frightening about it?” until you get to the bottom of what you are really afraid of. Say you are afraid of the dark. You can ask yourself, “Why am I afraid of the dark?” “Because somebody may be hiding in the dark.” Follow with “Why am I afraid of somebody hiding?” “Because they may attack me.” So, the real fear is the fear of being harmed rather than the dark as such. Now, how realistic is it? If it is not, you may continue exploring why you have an unrealistic fear. Have you or somebody you know had a bad experience that you associate with the dark? Have you heard scary stories about it? Did either of your parents or siblings feel the same when you were little? If so, acknowledge that these are just associations that are not justified anymore.

Courage

Courage does not mean fearlessness, but the mastery of fear. In other words, being able to control fear, rather than letting fear control you. This implies that courage is not the same for everybody. For instance, if somebody takes a long flight despite her fear of flying, she acts courageously, even though flying is nothing special for many people. And all of us have already been courageous (e.g. as toddlers, when trying to take our first steps).

What can help us to develop courage

Here are a few things that can help you be courageous:

• Determination, really wanting to do something despite fear.
• Care for somebody or something, or a sense of duty and commitment (e.g. soldiers who care for their country).
• Other strong emotions, such as love, joy or anger (it is hard to have two different emotional reactions at the same time).
• Familiarity or knowledge about what you are afraid of. For example, did you know that we could hardly survive without spiders (we would be swamped by insects) or that the airplane is the safest mode of transport (after the underground)?
• Not letting your fantasy run wild – what we can imagine is usually far worse than the real situation.
• Being positive and optimistic – a very effective antidote.
• Humour – trying to see the funny side of the situation.
• Relaxing, as being relaxed and being afraid don’t go together.
• Sharing the experience with or being supported by others.

Can you add anything to the above list? You may already have your own courage strategies. To find out, recall situations in which you have acted courageously (in your own eyes, even if it was nothing special for others). What prompted you to do so? Which thoughts, emotions and actions supported you? How did being courageous feel? Can you recall that feeling now?

If you can’t recall anything, don’t worry. Below is an intervention proven to be the best method for developing courage. With some practice, you can get there, too.

Exposure

1. Choose an object (e.g. needle), animal (e.g. spider), activity (e.g. flying), situation (e.g. crowded place), or person that triggers fear in you.
2. Consider an attitude you would like to have towards to trigger (e.g. feeling causal, determined, in control). Try to engage with that attitude as best as you can to be able to easily recall it later. You can also designate a word, phrase, image or gesture to be your clue.
3. Imagine or look at a picture of the trigger and observe your reaction, registering your thoughts and feelings. Then, look away and consider if your thoughts are reasonable and your reaction proportionate. If they are not, move to the next steps.
4. Relax and approach the image again. Let the wave of your emotional reaction wash over you while remaining still and relaxed. To avoid feeding your emotions by imagination and unhelpful thoughts, focus on your breathing.
5. When the wave starts subsiding, bring up the attitude you want to have (use your clue if struggling), and look for something positive (nice, funny, interesting) in the experience or simply enjoy the sense of achievement and freedom that this brings.
6. Repeat (with some breaks in between) until you can go through above steps quickly and easily.
7. When ready, apply it in real life situations. If you manage to beat fear in imagination, you are likely to do so in reality, too.
8. After successfully going through it in real situation, look back at your old fear reaction as if from distance, acknowledge that it wasn’t necessary. Say goodbye to it and imagine going through the same situation again with even more confidence