17. Courage

This area will highlight the meaning and purpose of both fear and courage and will suggest some interventions that may help you be more in charge in this respect. Let’s start by considering when fear is useful and when it is not.

Fear and its purpose

Fear can play a valuable role in deterring us from engaging in potentially damaging situations and actions – without it, we would easily become reckless. Fear also increases our chances of dealing with dangerous situations, as it provides extra energy. However, in the complex world we live in, fear can be unhelpful, for example, when it is misplaced – this happens when we wrongly associate some situations with physical danger. For this reason, it is important to separate realistic and unrealistic fears. Fear can also be an impediment or even make things worse when it is exaggerated or out of control (e.g. you jump out of the bath because you’ve seen a spider, slip on the wet floor, and break your leg). So let’s look first at how we can deal with fear reactions.

Dealing with fear reactions

The feeling of fear may trigger a number of emotional reactions such as freezing, trembling, ‘jelly legs’, wanting to scream, hide, or run away, or feeling like fainting. These reactions are not pleasant, and furthermore, they may be embarrassing if they happen in social situations. For this reason, some people develop a fear of fear – or fear of their own reactions. So let’s make it clear that you are not going to die from them; you do, in fact, have much greater control over these reactions than you think (one in four people have fear of flying – how many of them have you seen losing control during a flight?). Even if you do react, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. So, the best you can do in such situations is not feed fear further by fearing your possible reactions (“I will make a fool of myself”, “Something horrible will happen!”, “I am going to have a heart attack!”). By fearing them, you are making more likely to have such reactions. Remind yourself that it is normal to feel an urge to react when you experience fear but that this urge is not necessary right now and won’t help – so you can relax. After a while, it will pass. In case this is not enough, imagine that somebody else is in your situation; what would you say or do to help them? Once you have some control over your reactions, you may dig a bit deeper and look for the cause.

The cause and trigger of fear

A trigger for your fear may be different from its cause. This is because a distressing experience may lead to developing a fear of anything that you associate with that experience (e.g. you were attacked by a dog near a rose bush when you were little, and now rose bushes may trigger fear in you). This exercise can help you determine what you are really afraid of and whether or not your fear is justified:

What am I really afraid of? Simply keep asking yourself, ‘why am I afraid of x, what makes it frightening for me?’ until you get to the bottom of what you are really afraid of. Say you are afraid of the dark. You can ask yourself, ‘why am I afraid of the dark?’ ‘Because somebody may be hiding in the dark.’ Follow with ‘why am I afraid of somebody hiding?’ ‘Because they may attack me.’ So, the real fear is the fear of being harmed rather than the dark as such. Now, how realistic is it? If it is not, you may continue exploring why you have an unrealistic fear. Have you or somebody you know had a bad experience that you associate with the dark? Have you heard some scary stories about it? Did either of your parents or siblings feel the same when you were little? If so, acknowledge that these are just associations that are not justified anymore.

Courage

Courage does not mean fearlessness but the mastery of fear. In other words, being able to control fear rather than letting fear control you. This implies that courage is not the same for everybody. For instance, if somebody takes a long flight despite her fear of flying, she acts courageously, even though flying is nothing special for many people. And all of us have already been courageous (e.g. as toddlers, when trying to take our first steps).

What can help us to develop courage

Here are a few things that can help you be courageous:

• Determination, really wanting to do something despite fear.
• Care for somebody or something or a sense of duty (e.g. soldiers who care for their country).
• Other strong emotions such as love, joy or anger (it is hard to have two different emotional reactions at the same time).
• Familiarity and knowledge – learning about what you are afraid of. For example, did you know that we could not survive without spiders (we would be swamped by insects) or that the airplane is the safest mode of transport (after the underground)?
• Not letting your fantasy run wild – what we can imagine is usually far worse than the real situation.
• Being positive and optimistic.
• Humour – trying to see the funny side of the situation.
• Relaxing, as being relaxed and being afraid don’t go together.
• Sharing the experience with or being supported by others.

Can you add anything to the above list? You may already have your own courage strategies. To find out, recall situations in which you have acted courageously (in your own eyes, even if it was nothing special for others). What prompted you to do so? Which thoughts, emotions and actions supported you? How did being courageous feel? Can you recall that feeling now? Of course, none of this would be of much use without practice, so to develop courage further, try the following exercises.

Exposure is the best method of developing courage:

• Think of, draw or find an image of an object, animal, activity or situation that elicits in you a feeling of fear (e.g. an image of a spider).
• Close your eyes, relax, and consider how you would like to feel in that situation (e.g. confident, curious, determined – whatever works for you).
• With this attitude approach the image (mentally or physically), and note what you feel. If you start feeling uncomfortable and tense don’t fight it – acknowledge your reaction, relax, and let it pass through. Feel free to look away or move away but don’t feed fear with imagination.
• When you calm down, recall the way you want to feel and face the image again. Try also to find something positive or enjoyable in the experience (e.g. the sense of achievement or something nice, funny or interesting that you haven’t noticed before).
• Play and experiment with it until you feel ok (confident that you are in charge of your reactions).
• Later, you can try the same in real life situations. If you train yourself to beat fear in imagination, you are likely to do so in reality too.

This exercise can help you solidify the change:

Making courage last

• After going through a situation that required courage, check if there is any tension left and let go of it.
• Look back at the experience and consider how realistic your fear was. Were your old fear reactions justified?
• Pay attention to how you feel now in order to remember the experience of being courageous and defeating fear, so as to be able to recall it again when necessary.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.