51. Influence

Influence is unavoidable – most interactions involve small or big influences (e.g. a shop-assistant may influence your thoughts and choices or even your mood). There are many ways of influencing each other though. To make sense of it all, we need to consider various types of influence. Influences can be intentional and unintentional. Unintentional ones are common – for example, you may be influenced by a celebrity even if she had no intention of influencing you. However, we will focus here on intentional ones. There are two types of such influences: instrumental and intrinsic.

Instrumental and intrinsic influences

Instrumental influences are concerned with immediate goals rather than with the persons involved or long-term outcomes. They can be covert (manipulations through sweet talk, flirtation, emotional blackmail, teasing, hints, etc.) or overt (coercions by orders, threat, punishment, or reward). Covert influences are almost never justified (except perhaps if in danger or on a spy mission). Overt influences too are not desirable, but they may sometimes be necessary as a last resort: for example, when there is no time for explaining, when somebody behaves contrary to their better judgment or to what was agreed, or when somebody refuses to engage with or consider rational arguments. These are some common tell-tale signs of instrumental influence:

• the nature of delivery is emphasised over the content (e.g. shouting, whining, being overly friendly, etc.)
• using emotional language rather than reasoning
• appealing to one’s weaknesses (e.g. flattery)
• bringing up unrelated issues

This type of influence is quite common but its effects are usually superficial and short term. It also runs the risk of creating an even stronger resistance, so let’s consider another type of influence.

Intrinsic influences are about personal change, rather than just immediate outcomes. In other words, they are more concerned with personal development than quick results. Such influences can be indirect and direct. An indirect influence of this sort is influence by example. It creates the least resistance and can be profound, but it is not always practical, as it usually takes time. Direct influences are verbal interventions that can involve:

• giving advice (prescriptive influence)
• challenging one’s attitude, behaviour or belief (confronting)
• providing information (informative)
• helping one come to a conclusion or find a solution (catalytic)
• being approving, confirming, validating (supportive)

Not all instrumental influences are bad nor all intrinsic ones are good, but distinguishing between them can make a big difference. So if you attempt to influence somebody, ask yourself if you are concerned with the immediate outcome or if you really want to help the other person grow or make a deeper change. Of course, the other way around applies too: if you feel that somebody is trying to influence you, it may be worthwhile considering whether or not such an influence is instrumental or intrinsic.

How to influence others

It is important to remember that influence is not about controlling others. Trying to make others do what you want creates a conflict, either with them or within them, and therefore it is likely to make somebody unhappy. Real change comes from inside and cannot be forced; it happens only when the person is willing and ready to change. Insisting or pushing usually just increases resistance. These can help you to influence others in a more sensitive way:

• Ask yourself first if direct influence is necessary – your own attitude and behaviour may be more effective than talking.
• Creating an atmosphere of trust, openness and safety are important as it reduces undue resistance.
• No matter how passionate you may feel, remember that raising your voice will not make your argument stronger.
• As already discussed, self-acceptance facilitates change; so showing others acceptance to help them accept themselves is better than confrontation, which makes people defensive.
• Persuasion is more likely to work if you manage to find some common ground – look for things that you agree on.
• Forcing your own opinion infringes on the right of others to have theirs. Influence is more profound if limited to helping people arrive at desired conclusions themselves, because it doesn’t undermine their competence. Ask questions…. 
• To help them do so you need to see the situation from their perspective (understand where they stand), as this drawing shows:
  
• You will understand the other person and his position better if you ask clarifying questions first (e.g. about what he needs or wants) rather than trying to make your point straight away.
• Consider what is effective and what is not in influencing you, and apply the same when you try to influence others.

Refrain from seeking confirmation

If influence makes sense to the recipient, it is likely to be genuinely accepted and internalised. However, seeking confirmation that our influence is accepted makes internalisation harder and can lead to resistance. Not having that confirmation may induce some anxiety, but insisting on it can only give you a false sense of security as people often affirm that they have accepted our suggestions just to get us off their back; so leaving open if your influence will be accepted or not in fact increases the chance that it will be, as this is not perceived as a threat to one’s autonomy. Give people time if you can: continuing to be okay with them even if it seems that they didn’t take on board what you hoped makes it more likely that they will eventually come around.

Feedback

This is the most common form of direct influence. Feedback always requires sensitivity (even when praising, as it can make some feel awkward). Choosing a right time and place, and creating a secure and supportive atmosphere is also important. Starting with questions that give the recipient a sense of joint ownership (e.g. ‘how do you think you’re doing?’) may also help. Feedback is useful only if it is accepted and it doesn’t undermine confidence:

• Feedback is more likely to be accepted when it is specific, includes examples, and when the person who receives the feedback can do something about it.
• Confidence is not undermined by constructive criticism; it is undermined when:
  • negative feedback is aimed at the person rather than an action (e.g. rather than saying ‘you haven’t written this report well’, you could say ‘this report could be better’)
  • when positive feedback is perceived as insincere (i.e. don’t praise something if you think it is rubbish, but try to find an aspect of it that you sincerely think is good).

 To get the most out of feedback, we need the right attitude and some control over our reactions, not only when we are giving but also when we are receiving feedback. This exercise can help.

Influence work out: ask somebody to alternately criticise and praise you (or imagine this if you prefer). To start off, issues can be invented; they don’t really need to relate to you. Resist the temptation to answer back and observe how criticism and praise affect you. Repeat the exercise until you can accept them in a non-attached way. This doesn’t mean creating barriers or ignoring the comments, but not being defensive or carried away by them. In time, more relevant issues can be brought up. If you are role- playing this with a real person, you can reverse the roles, which will help you see the effects of your feedback too.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.