Moral sense refers to our innate propensity to evaluate actions in terms of right and wrong, but should not be confused with moral norms and principles. Although moral sense often coincides with socially accepted morality, these two differ and may even conflict; the former is an inner incentive, the latter comes, as it were, from the outside. As one psychologist puts it, ‘moral sense… is not a law or a definition but… the internal directive that establishes meaning and value’(1). Both bio-neurology and psychology provide support for its existence.(2) Experiments with infants and even some animals indicate that we are born with moral sense. A sense of fairness and justice, as well as regret and guilt, can occur spontaneously in children (unlike shame, which is by and large socially induced). In this area we will focus on why moral sense matters, as well as on how to develop and manage it.

Why listening to moral sense matters

Acting in accord with your own moral sense feels good, and behaving contrary to it does not, although these feelings can be overridden by other states of mind (e.g. prejudices. fears, desires, pleasures). Disregarding moral sense is sometimes attractive because it may allow immediate gratification, but it alienates you from other people and a part of yourself. This causes an inner conflict indicated by disturbed conscience and feelings of regret or guilt (which is why justifications are so common – nobody wants to see himself as bad). Conscience is absent only if the social aspect of a person is cut off. However, ‘we cannot suppress or eliminate essential parts of ourselves without becoming estranged from ourselves.’(3) This means that, unlike pleasure, real happiness (defined as inner harmony, see p.78) is not morally indifferent. Personal integration cannot be attained if your social aspect (which includes your moral sense) is in conflict or disregarded.

Belonging (to a group) is quite ubiquitous, so whether you have a strong sense of belonging, or it doesn’t matter to you, or you feel isolated and excluded, it is well worth taking a closer look. We will consider the pros and cons of groups, group requirements, and what helps to be accepted by a group, but let’s start with categories that a sense of belonging is usually associated with.

The categories of belonging

Although we are separate individuals to some extent, we all also belong to some groups. Groups can consist of only a few people (as in the case of a family or a team) or be very large (e.g. a nation). You don’t need to know each member of the group you are part of and, obviously, the members do not need to be in physical proximity (especially if we have in mind virtual groups). The sense of belonging can be defined by several categories:

• Physical (e.g. race, nation, gender, lineage, age): you do not choose these groups but were, so to speak, born into them.
• Social (religion, family, country, culture): membership of these groups is induced by your surroundings, usually in childhood.
• Self-determined (e.g. partners, friends, professional groups, clubs, social networks): groups are chosen on the basis of personal preferences, shared interests and mutual acceptance.
• Transcendent: being a part of humanity, a sense of connection with the whole world and even beyond (often experienced in nature, but it is not confined to nature).

In reality there is not a clear distinction between these categories. For example, belonging to a club or even one’ s partner may be socially determined, or belonging to a religion may be a personal choice. Still, it is worth considering which category matters to you most and if groups that are important to you are mainly from that category. Would you like to change anything in this respect?

Influence is unavoidable – most interactions involve small or big influences (e.g. a shop-assistant may influence thoughts, your choices or even your mood). There are many ways of influencing each other though. To make sense of it all, we need to consider various types of influence. Influences can be intentional and unintentional. Unintentional ones are common – for example, you may be influenced by a celebrity even if she had no intention of influencing you. However, we will focus here on intentional ones. There are two types of such influences: instrumental and intrinsic.

Instrumental and intrinsic influences

Instrumental influences are concerned with immediate goals rather than with the persons involved or long-term outcomes. They can be covert (manipulations through sweet talk, flirtation, emotional blackmail, teasing, hints, etc.) or overt (coercions by orders, threat, punishment, or reward). Covert influences are almost never justified (except perhaps if in danger or on a spy mission). Overt influences too are not desirable, but they may sometimes be necessary as a last resort: for example, when there is no time for explaining, when somebody behaves contrary to their better judgment or to what was agreed, or when somebody refuses to engage with or consider rational arguments. These are some common tell-tale signs of instrumental influence:

• the nature of delivery is emphasised over the content (e.g. shouting, whining, being overly friendly, etc.)
• using emotional language rather than reasoning
• appealing to one’s weaknesses (e.g. flattery)
• bringing up unrelated issues

This type of influence is quite common but its effects are usually superficial and short term. It also runs the risk of creating an even stronger resistance, so let’s consider another type of influence.

Although we have much in common, everybody is a different, separate individual, with our own distinctive set of characteristics and life experiences. So individuality is a given, and this area will focus on factors that restrict its actualisation: copying others, conformity, being self-conscious and trying to please others.

Copying

Copying others may be useful when learning new skills. However, copying the manners or appearance of somebody else with the hope that some of their essence will rub off on us, is misleading at the very least. Copying another may temporarily increase your self-esteem but it requires suppressing your individuality, which creates an inner conflict and diminishes self-respect. To copy means, in a way, giving up your own life, losing yourself. So, even if you achieve a desired goal but alienate yourself in the process, you won’t enjoy it because you will not be there but somebody else’s copy. Everybody has their own way, and what has worked for one person may not work for another. Copying doesn’t work with others either; an imperfect original is usually more valued than even a successful copy of a masterpiece.

Conformity

Conformity refers to compliance with the attitudes, behaviour, dress code etc. of a group. Where conformity dominates, individual judgments tend to converge and group norms become a relatively permanent frame of reference. This can be a result of the need for security and approval, or just simple laziness. Another powerful force towards conformity is the feelings of separateness and anxiety that showing individuality may bring. These feelings may be experienced not only by those who do not conform, but also by the rest of the group, who may fear for the cohesiveness of the group. Individuality, however, does not need to be a threat to, or create a conflict with, the society or group. It doesn’t mean being egocentric, but accepting that you are, like everybody else, somewhat different, and allowing yourself (and others) to be so. Valuing what we share does not preclude respecting what we don’t. In fact, individuality may add something worthwhile to the group. What stands in the way of the above is peer pressure.