This area will focus on what leads to the quality of communication in relation to its content, as well as the way we communicate.

The what of communicating (the content)

Let’s start with some features pertinent to the content of our communication:

Preparation: preparing what to say can be beneficial when you are expected to talk (e.g. giving a speech) or answer questions (e.g. at exams). It can also be good for potentially awkward situations (e.g. being publicly praised). However, preparation may not be so useful for conversations. It is often ineffective as the responses of others are rarely fully predictable, and can also impede spontaneity. Words need to reflect the actual mood and situation to have a desired effect, so, thinking through an issue rather than thinking about what to say is a better preparation.

Openness and concealment: openness, sharing our inner world with others, is important for communication. The more we are open, the greater exchange can be. However, openness involves some risks: opening up too much or too fast may have the opposite effect. If you quickly reveal everything, you may cease to be interesting. In fact, complete openness is rarely desired. That people remain to some extent a secret for each other can make an interaction more appealing. However, being deliberately secretive can put people off too. Some fine-tuning is called for here. In a nutshell, it is usually better to open up gradually and to a degree that won’t put you in an uneven position or make you regret it later. To avoid the former, check if the other person is opening up as much as you; to avoid the latter, before going further, ask yourself if you will be okay tomorrow having opened up so much.

In this area we will first discuss skills that can help us understand others: listening, observing and empathy. These skills are of great value as they affect every aspect of social life. Two related topics will follow: the focus of attention and assessing others.

Listening

Listening is one of the main ways we become aware of the inner world of other people (what they want, think, feel, etc.). Listening seems straightforward but is, in fact, a sophisticated skill that can be developed by following these suggestions:

• Most importantly, really listen to others rather than using the time while they are talking to think about what to say next. If you need to think about what to say, you can take a short pause before responding. Your response will also be more meaningful if you really hear the other person first.
• It is important to acknowledge verbally or through body language (e.g. nodding) that something has been heard.
• Do not assume but check that you have understood others well by occasionally summarising or rephrasing what has been said.
• Attention is easier to maintain if you find a way to relate what the other is talking about to your own experience and interests (you are interested in stocks and shares, and somebody is talking about theatre – thought about investing in art?).
• Avoid mind reading and fortune telling (assuming that you know what the other thinks or will say respectively).
• Being open-minded also matters. This does not mean adopting the views of the other, but having the willingness to see things from their perspective (visiting does not mean staying).
• Questions can help if something is unclear but digging into what somebody is consciously or unconsciously avoiding, insisting on a disclosure, usually has the opposite effect.
• The distortions of one’s understanding are usually the result of adding something to what the other is saying. The following exercise can help you minimise this:

Appearance is big business nowadays. Images of public figures show how appearances are used to produce certain effects (e.g. politicians appearing in casual clothes on some occasions and in a business suit in others). This ability to create an impression is achieved through various means (clothes, make-up, posture, demeanour) and, of course, it is relevant not only for celebrities but for all of us. In this area we will focus on some basic facets that affect appearance: congruence, appeal and flexibility.

Why appearance matters

Appearance has a multiple purpose: to attract or protect; to help us situate ourselves within a certain role; to communicate mood, character, profession, position or status. So even if you don’t care about your appearance, it will still greatly affect the impression you leave. This influences the assessment and attitude of others towards you, which can, in turn, affect your interactions and self- esteem. So, let us see what really matters in this respect.

Congruence

Congruent appearance corresponds with the person, while an incongruent one does not. In other words, incongruent appearance is the result of an attempt to appear differently to who we are. This can have various motives: to trick others, to hide or protect, to preserve privacy, to compensate for a sense of personal inadequacy or inferiority, or to impress others. The aspects of appearance that are strongly emphasised may even indicate the opposite. For example, an over-jovial appearance may hide depression, or boisterous behaviour low self-esteem. There are a number of disadvantages to incongruent appearance:

Real or perceived transgressions are the most common cause of transpersonal conflicts. However, whether such conflicts will be destructive or contribute to improving the relationship depends on the way they are resolved. Bearing this in mind, here we will examine a number of common scenarios.

If you accept that you have transgressed

If people feel wronged, they get angry and this easily leads to being aggressive. Responding with defensiveness may come naturally, but this only creates a vicious circle. In fact, the best way to prevent an escalation is to avoid being defensive. The following steps can be helpful in this respect:

• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and if you sincerely feel sorry, say so and apologise.
• You may want to explain your intention and actions (e.g. ‘I am sorry you feel hurt, I didn’t mean to upset you’) but avoid making excuses, as they leave the impression that you are more concerned about yourself than the other person’s feelings.
• Take responsibility for your part in the event and accept (fair) consequences for your actions.
• Consider together what to do in similar situations in the future. This may turn the conflict in something positive. Whatever you come up with has to apply to both parties (you may check by asking ‘does this apply, from now on, to both of us?’). For example, you may both come to the conclusion that it is okay, in exceptional circumstances, to raise your voices. You both then have to accept that you may occasionally end up on the receiving end of shouting. On the other hand, if you both come to the conclusion that it is never good to shout at each other, you both need to work on avoiding shouting, no matter what.

In this area we will consider respect and acceptance, as well as comparing ourselves with others, which is implicated in symmetrical and asymmetrical ways of relating to others.

Respect

Respect simply means treating people as subjects, not objects. This implies respecting their existence as well as their agency (freedom to make choices). We sometimes treat people as objects in order to fulfil our desires or gain a sense of control. This, however, leads to disconnectedness that induces a sense of isolation, even when with others. As already discussed in relation to self-respect, respect doesn’t need to be earned as it is derived from our intrinsic value of being human. So, there is no excuse to treat anybody disrespectfully (even prisoners are supposed to be treated with some respect). Besides, we are more likely to be treated with respect if we treat others with respect.

Acceptance

Acceptance and tolerance are sometimes used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Tolerance implies putting up with others, suggesting that they are an inconvenience to be endured. True acceptance is more than that: it primarily means accepting that people can be different. It also involves an attempt to understand others, rather than honing in on their perceived faults. Even if they have some shortcomings you don’t have to be troubled by them. This is not to say that we should put up with everything. Bringing up what bothers you is easier though if the other is first accepted as a person; in fact, accepting others as they are and trying to understand their motives can be the first step in eliciting a positive change. In addition, acceptance can be enriching as it involves opening up to something different, and it makes being accepted more likely (while rejection, of course, has the opposite effect).

In this area we will first consider when protection is really needed. In our complex interactions this is not always clear, so protection is sometimes misused (to justify aggression) or abandoned (to avoid appearing aggressive). After that we will focus on social resilience, responses to adverse behaviour, and assertiveness.

When protection is needed

Unfortunately not all people always have good motives; they sometimes act out of malice, spite, envy, desire to manipulate, etc. It is easier to become a victim if this is not recognised. Giving in to abuse is not a sign of love. Always blaming oneself and finding excuses for others is as unhealthy as always blaming others and finding excuses for oneself. To be a good person you don’t need to tolerate abuse or be submissive. A good person is good towards oneself too, which includes being able to protect oneself; without that, love and benevolence can be taken advantage of. It is also worth remembering that tolerating malevolence may encourage such behaviour not only towards ourselves but towards others too – which, in effect, makes it grow and spread. Some people don’t even have bad intentions but opportunistically go as far as one allows them, so it is important to be able to set limits. On the other hand, overprotection can shut you down and limit your experience.

Furthermore, protecting your weaknesses or character flaws can inhibit your growth (e.g. defending yourself from constructive criticism may stop you from improving). We need to protect our freedom, integrity and dignity, but we do not need to protect our egos, mistakes and flaws. This is why it is important to know when protection is needed and what you are protecting. To check if you really need protection you can, for example, ask yourself, ‘What I am trying to protect here? Am I really being attacked? Is this person being deliberately malicious?’ Very often the latter turns out not to the case, but let’s see what we can do if it is.