We are to some extent a product of our genes and the social environment, but we also create ourselves – to a large degree it is up to us what we will become and how far we will actualise our potential. This is what development refers to.

What personal development is

Remember the time when you were a kid. It is likely that you thought in a different way, liked doing different things or listened to different music. Perhaps you believed that you would stay the same forever, but these things changed – you developed. Development is not the same as aging though. Aging is a natural process that is largely genetically determined; development, on the other hand, is a potential that depends on our efforts and intentions. So, while the body stops growing at some point, then stagnates, and finally starts deteriorating, personal development does not have to. Our experience keeps accumulating, so your development does not ever need to stop – it is all up to you.

The prerequisites of personal development

You can develop in many ways on your own, but this process may be easier and quicker with some assistance (e.g. written materials, teachers or guides). After all, why not benefit from those who have already been on this journey? This does not mean accepting indiscriminately what others say – real development requires reflecting on what you absorb and making sure that you are the one who determines your path. Ultimately, this is your journey! There are many routes of personal development, so assistance is beneficial only if it goes in conjunction with your choice. Development though is not completely effortless, so some level of self-discipline is essential – it will not happen if you give in to inertia. Let’s consider now the types of personal development.

Self-discipline or self-regulation refers to our ability to control and direct our own faculties (if these terms do not sit well with you, think of ‘will power’ instead; there is some evidence that this can make a difference21). Self-discipline has many benefits but is not very popular nowadays – mostly because it is misunderstood. So, let’s start with why self-discipline is important and what it is, and then we will turn to how to develop this skill.

Why self-discipline matters

Many cringe when self-discipline is mentioned because they imagine something rigid that restricts their freedom. Yet, as the famous philosopher Aristotle, among others, realised a long time ago, a lack of self-discipline and self-control does not increase freedom or make you more spontaneous. Quite the opposite, it makes you vulnerable to being enslaved by your urges, affects, instant desires, habits, addictions or obsessions. This creates insecurity and anxiety because you feel that you are not in charge of your life and it can be self-destructive.

On the other hand, self- regulation enables you to act upon long-term goals and values (instead of being compelled to follow your urges) and in this way, in fact, increases your freedom, choice and control. Consider this for a moment: are you really free if you are controlled by your immediate impulses? ‘Ok’, you may say, ‘but self-discipline is boring!’ It may feel so at the beginning, but in the long run self- discipline is more fun than self-indulgence. Football players have far more fun than couch potatoes who watch football on the TV. And to play football well, you need self-discipline. Of course, this does not apply only to football. It may be easier to stick a ready- made dish in a microwave oven, but cooking a nice meal (which requires some self-discipline) is more fun and ultimately more satisfying. If still not convinced, this is perhaps because you have in mind the wrong type of discipline.

Stability refers to one’s inner balance and centeredness. An ever accelerating pace of modern life in general, and a competitive atmosphere in the workplace in particular, are often a challenge for stability. This is reflected in the widespread use of tranquillisers and also the increasing popularity of psychological methods that help achieve and maintain stability. Some of these methods will be suggested in this area too, but let’s start by clarifying what stability is, as it can easily be misunderstood.

The neutral position

Stability doesn’t mean being passive. In fact, stability enables a more active life as instability is energy consuming. The latter is not associated with high arousal but with being nervous, tense or impulsive. So, you can have an intense experience and still maintain stability. The eye of the storm is perhaps a fitting metaphor for this: stillness in your centre even when the rest of your mind and body are racing. Although you can sense whether you are stable or not, stability is not an affect – in a way, it is beyond affects. So what it is then? Stability can be best described as an ability to reach and remain in the neutral position. Knowing that such a neutral position exists can release you from the pressure to be in a good mood all the time. You may not feel great (nobody always feels great) but that’s ok. Not feeling great doesn’t presuppose feeling bad, as you can be in that neutral position.

Why stability matters

Stability affects almost every situation (e.g. learning, work, sport activities, relationships, moods, sleep, etc.). It benefits not only psychological but also physical health, and assists reasoning, decision-making and a variety of other mental processes. Last but not least, stability allows you to be more in control (of yourself) and cope better with unpredictable or challenging situations.

Itmonisation is the process of integrating various aspects of oneself. Essential to this is an ability to deal with inner conflicts. There is profound awareness that inner conflicts can have serious consequences (Shakespeare’s Hamlet or Stevenson’s Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde are well known examples in literature) (1). So this area will mainly focus on resolving them.

Problems and inner conflicts

Problems are usually visible, inner conflicts are usually not. Problems become conflicts when they are internalised. For example, a problem with an abusive boss is out there, but it can create an inner conflict between your need for financial security and your need to maintain your dignity. This may be triggered by but is not the same as the conflict with your boss – it is a conflict between two aspects of yourself. Whatever problem you have you are likely to deal with it better if you resolve your inner conflict first – otherwise you are fighting on two fronts at the same time!

The secret of happiness?

It is practically impossible to avoid conflicts, but if left unresolved, they make us vulnerable and may even affect our mental health. Without a relatively coherent self, it is difficult to function well as you are pulled in different directions. Personal integration and harmony, on the other hand, create a sense of contentment; it was found that ‘people are happier if they have managed to resolve their inner conflicts, and achieve some degree of integration of their personality.’ (2) This suggests that, unlike pleasure or satisfaction that depend more on external stimulation and outside events (e.g. agreeable stimuli, success, recognition etc.), happiness ensues from our internal state (‘peace of mind’). So, let’s look more closely at how we can resolve inner conflicts.

Our beliefs, concepts, thoughts and ideas play an important role in the way we perceive reality. However, our beliefs do not exist independently; they tend to be organised in meaningful and sensible ways. This net of mental concepts creates our belief system – or inner structure. We all, practically from birth, start building (and re-building) this system and continue doing so throughout our lives, so it is the result of an interaction between ourselves and the world. Some elements stem from adopting common knowledge (science, religion, cultural beliefs), and some are the result of unique personal experiences (e.g. believing that people are/are not generally trustworthy). However, we need to be aware that although these mental structures correspond to reality to some extent, they should not be identified with it. In other words, we should not assume that our beliefs are the indisputable truth. If this happens, the mental structure that they create is taken for granted and left unattended, with the consequence that it cannot accommodate new experiences and could even fall apart.

The purpose of our inner structure

The main purpose of our inner structure (or belief system) is to integrate, i.e. make a meaningful whole of various experiences, and enable our mind to expand. Fragmented, conflicting, or too rigid beliefs can lead to prolonged anxiety, poor adaptability and a number of other personal and interpersonal problems. Yet, psychologists have observed that people find invalidation of their basic beliefs highly threatening and have a vested interest in maintaining them even when they are maladaptive, for fear of disorganisation.’(1) So let’s see first how we can make changes to our belief system in a controlled way in order to allow for its better integration as well as its development. After that, two exercises that can facilitate its integration and development (Mind- mapping and Laddering) will be described in some detail.

One of the most interesting aspects of the human mind is that it can create its content. Such creations can take the form of thoughts and images. Furthermore, this process of creating them can be spontaneous and deliberate. So we will consider here all four combinations, starting with spontaneous thinking.

Spontaneous thinking: mulling over

Remember fast and slow thinking? You can repeat the experiment: close your eyes and count to 100. You will probably notice that, while you are counting, many thoughts are popping up into your mind spontaneously. This is going on all the time, not only when you are counting. Most of them come and go quickly but some can become circular and intrusive so it is a good idea to know what to do if this happens.

Keeping in check intrusive, obsessive thoughts

Avoid enforcing them by emotions. Such thoughts feed on emotional energy, so if you get upset or anxious about them, they will only get stronger. Suppressing them won’t work – accept and ignore them instead. If this doesn’t work, try the following:

• Reach some sort of resolution (make a decision, do or change something, accept, understand, forgive).
• Find something that could absorb you (e.g. puzzles) and focus on whatever you are experiencing or doing.
• Postpone your rumination (say to yourself: ‘ok, I will think about this between 7 and 7.30 this evening’).
• Externalise your thoughts through talking or writing (some evidence shows that the writing is even more effective if you throw it away afterwards)(1).