Openness is often associated with either open-mindedness or frankness. These meanings are addressed in the areas Inner structure  and Intrinsic relationships respectively. Here, the term signifies permeability between oneself and the world. Therefore, this is not only about cognitive openness or talking openly to others, but openness to our experiences in general. Being able to regulate openness can significantly affect our quality of life, so this will be the main focus of this area.

What openness is

It may sometimes feel as if we have ‘holes’ or ‘cracks’ in our personality. These are usually the result of unresolved personal conflicts or unhealed wounds and they make it difficult to become a harmonious whole. They often cause oversensitivity and tension, which in turn lead to putting barriers between oneself and the world. Openness is different. It refers to the permeability of the person as a whole that facilitates exchanges with the environment. Openness enables us to transform sensations into personal experiences – in other words, to internalise the external world. This is how we make an experience our own.

Why it is important to regulate openness

Some experiences can increase our energy while some can drain it away, so being able to regulate to which ones and to what extent you open up may be important. This is not straightforward though. If we are not careful, certain situations can make us open up or close down when we don’t want to or more than we want to. Also we may develop the habit of being too open or too closed, and respond to situations inadequately in this respect. We will see soon what we can do to be more in charge of this ability, but we ought to consider first why, when and to what extent to open up.

Feeling alive or a sense of aliveness is nurtured through the fullness and richness of our experiences. Not only does this enhance our quality of life but it also makes us more alert which, in turn, can help us manage any situation better. No doubt that harsh circumstances (e.g. overwork) may have an adverse effect on this area, but favourable circumstances do not guarantee a sense of aliveness and the quality of our experiences. For example, research shows that after a certain basic level, material wealth has a very small effect on personal feelings of well-being and happiness.(1) But you don’t need research as evidence for this. We all know that a sense of emptiness is not rare among materially privileged people, while others in quite deprived situations have managed to lead fulfilling lives. What really matters is how we relate to our experiences, and what we make out of them. This is going to be the main topic of this area. Risk taking, which is closely linked to this subject, will also be addressed.

The ways of enhancing our experience

Experience can be enhanced through:

• Diversity (quantity): trying a number of different things, striving to have more and more different experiences.
• Variation (quality): varying the same experience, discovering greater subtlety or complexity in the familiar.

For example, you can try several sports or enjoy playing one better and better; you can listen to different tunes or listen to the same song a number of times; you can have many partners or have a deep relationship with one person. Diversity can be enriching because of the element of novelty and is linked to enhancing the intensity of experience (excitement). On the other hand, ‘variation on the same theme’ may have a greater effect overall as it is likely to provide more depth. This is not to say that one is better than the other. The exercise below is an encouragement to try both:

This area focuses on our ability to tolerate unpleasant experiences such as pain, hardship, noise, etc. This is what resilience is: the power and control over the effects of such experiences on us. Everybody, without exception, occasionally goes through some unpleasant experiences, so it is common to create mental armour to protect ourselves. This doesn’t always work though and also decreases our sensitivity towards good experiences. Let’s see if there are more constructive ways to deal with such experiences.

What reduces resilience

The following attitudes can make us less resilient:

• Poor physical state: being unfit, ill, hungover, hungry or lacking sleep understandably makes us less resilient.
• Becoming oversensitive is easy if we develop a sense of entitlement and neglect exercising the muscle of resilience.
• Expectations are a big culprit in this respect: if you expect that you will never have an argument with your partner, that your bike will never have a puncture, or that life will always be fair, you are bound to be disappointed and overreact.
• Exaggerated self-importance: those who think that they are the centre of the universe easily get upset when reality proves that they are not.
• Self-pity reduces resilience as it already implies resignation, giving up. It also amplifies negative feelings and never helps.
• Getting upset or angry: this is a fairly common response, but actually, it doesn’t make you feel better and can make things worse (in more than one way) for others and/or yourself. g) Feeling powerless, as it amplifies the negative effects. h) Avoidance: avoiding potentially upsetting situations not only decreases resilience but limits your freedom and choice.

Attachment plays an important role in life, but misconceptions about it are common and often reinforced by popular culture (e.g. a detached hero has been glorified in many Hollywood movies) so let’s start with clarifying how this term is used here.

What attachment is

The term attachment was first used in psychology in the mid- twentieth century to signify the relationship between an infant and its mother. Soon after, the use of this expression has spread to any other significant relationships. Here, this term has an even wider meaning, as reflected in everyday language. It refers to a subjective sense of connectedness to something or somebody else. This is different from the above-mentioned use in several ways:

• Attachment is not only limited to relationships with other people. It can also include attachment to animals (e.g. pets), objects (such as money), ideas (e.g. socialism), places (one’s country or town), activities (a job or hobby), pleasures (e.g. food) or styles (e.g. fashion, music).
• The sense of attachment cannot be equated with emotions, although it very often involves them. It is possible to be attached to somebody or something without being emotional (out of habit, for example), and to be emotional without being attached (e.g. when watching a movie).
• Attachment does not depend on physical proximity or social roles. For instance, it is possible to live with one’s spouse and not feel attached to her, or not live with somebody (who can even be dead) and still be attached to her.

To bring some clarity, we will draw from the Eastern traditions and break up this umbrella term into three related concepts: attachment, non-attachment and detachment. They can be seen as a part of the same continuum.

This area is closely related to values. The term importance rather than, for example, ‘value formation’, is used because it is more encompassing. Values are reducible to importance, but not the other way around: everything valuable is also important, but not everything that is important is valuable (e.g. earthquakes are important but generally not valued). This title also emphasises that the area is not concerned with forming moral, political or cultural values, but with the process of ascribing importance (to an object, person, activity, or idea). The factors that affect such a process and its consequences will be the main focus here. Before that it may be worthwhile considering what is important to us and why.

What is important for me and why?

Knowing what is really important to us is not straightforward. This can be distorted by immediate desires, other people or old habits. Furthermore, we sometimes make the object of our need or desire more important than the need or desire itself, which may lead to fixation and prevent us from recognising other options. For example, you are hungry and you start thinking about a burger. The burger becomes important, rather than satisfying hunger and you miss a chance to eat something nicer and healthier. So, it is worthwhile examining if what you think is important really is. The following questions may help in this respect:

• Choose an object, person, event, activity or principle and consider why it is important for you. For example, if it is football, why is this the case? Is it an old habit? Is it because it was important to your dad when you were growing up? Or is it because football is a refuge from the everyday grind?
• Which part of what you picked up is really important for you? (E.g. in the case of football it may be spending time with your mates, so football itself is, in fact, secondary).

The exercise below can help further with clarifying your priorities.

Death has a special significance because it is the boundary of physical existence and the only future certainty. In this area we will mainly examine the ways we can relate to death, as this can have profound effects on our attitudes towards life (e.g. our decision making). Loss and grieving will also be addressed.

Why it is good to accept death

The two basic ways of relating to death are acceptance and denial. It is quite common to deny death for as long as possible. Denial of death enables us to avoid, at least temporarily, fear and other unpleasant feelings usually associated with death. However, many philosophers and psychologists have recognised the value of being aware of our mortality and accepting death, and warned against denial. There are some sound reasons for this:

• Death is a part of the life cycle and denying it means denying life as it is – accepting death, therefore, enables us to take life in its totality.
• Sooner or later everybody has to face death (that of others and finally their own), which is harder to do if unprepared; those who accept death as a part of life are in a better position and more in control in such situations.
• Accepting death puts in perspective small misfortunes and self- importance, and can make us more courageous.
• The awareness of death can contribute to decision making and prioritising too; it reminds us that the time to accomplish our projects is limited and that nothing can be taken for granted.
• Many have observed or experienced that being aware of death leads to a greater respect of life and finding value in every moment – somewhat paradoxically, it makes us more alive.

The following exercise is an example of how the awareness of death may affect your present attitude and behaviour: