61. Relationship Dynamic

This area focuses on critical points in the relationship dynamic: initiating a relationship, disagreements and ending a relationship.

Initiating a relationship

Initiating a relationship can have several motives:

• Intrinsic: you like the person and enjoy being with her. To initiate a relationship though, liking needs to be mutual and genuine, rather than adulterated by, for example, a need to be liked (‘I like you, in order for you to like me back’). There are telltale signs indicating whether people like each other: they show interest in each other’s lives, they tend to smile often, and also eye contact is more frequent and maintained for longer.
• Instrumental: this motive revolves around common interests, and the possible mutual benefits of knowing each other. These benefits do not, of course, need to be material (e.g. providing information, making connections etc.). It is easier to start this sort of relationship if you balance what you can gain with what you can give and what can be shared. Being transparent with your motives builds trust, which is essential in this case.
• Intimate: showing that you are attracted to another person is not an offence, but imposing your desire is. People generally do not like to be treated as objects (of one’s sexual desire). Mature individuals do not have sex or start an intimate relationship because they are tricked or surrender to one’s advances, but because they want to. Sexual desire is natural; however, those who make it their only focus narrow and devalue themselves, which makes them less desirable – and in this case it is certainly true that our reputation precedes us.

The above may lead to three types of relationship that will be discussed in more detail in the respective areas; let’s turn now to another critical point of relationship dynamic: disagreements.

Arguments and disagreements

When a relationship is growing the chances of an argument are growing too, as the stakes are higher. An argument does not need to be a negative event though: it ‘can help maintain or even develop a relationship if it is managed right.’(1) This does not mean that fights are inevitable. In fact, fights can often lead to unsatisfactory outcomes. Research confirms that the ability to communicate effectively is essential for a successful relationship(2) – this is especially the case at the point of disagreement.

Lose, win, or win-win

In a way, resolving a disagreement is easy: just give in! This may be advisable with unimportant / short-term relationships or unimportant things (don’t sweat the small stuff). However, always giving in to avoid arguments only works temporarily and is likely to create even greater conflicts when things accumulate. On the other hand, trying to win or make the other give in does not get you far either; nobody likes to lose, so he will come back to you when he gets more ammunition. Or, you may win an argument and lose the person! Luckily, disagreements can be resolved without anybody losing: let’s call it win-win. When we aim to win, we usually use so called distributive tactics: prioritising personal interest or gains over mutual ones, looking for the faults and weaknesses of the other, using other means besides reasoning in order to gain an advantage (sarcasm, emotional blackmail, threats etc.). Win-win, on the other hand, uses integrative attitudes:

• Maintain a sense of connectedness: if you can’t feel it in the heat of an argument, imagine a thread that connects you to each other or imagine that you and the other person are in a bubble.
• Be positive: try to preserve an overall positive perception of the person even at the point of disagreement.
• Respect: remember that the other person has the right to differ.
• Be open-minded: listen and try to understand (rather than constructing your own argument while the other is talking).
• Collaborate: look for common ground, prioritise mutual interests over individual ones.

The following image illustrates the difference between distributive and integrative approaches to a disagreement:

Can we always win-win? After all, one may be plain wrong! If you both come to some conclusions together, even if it means you or the other has departed from the starting position, it will not feel like a defeat, but more like personal development, learning. You can feel defeated only if you still remain in your old trench! If you have learnt something, it’s a win. You may also agree that you disagree – sometimes there are multiple perfectly valid but incompatible conclusions, as the starting assumptions may be different and there is no way to prove or disprove them. This can still be win-win as you now know each other better.

What if the other just wants to win?

Nobody can win if you refuse to fight. A fight may be fun, but it doesn’t get you very far, so do it only for fun! You can be upfront about this, saying something like, ‘I don’t feel like fighting; I’d rather get somewhere with this where we can both be happy’. This is not to say that you can’t challenge each other, but emotional or snide remarks and diversions are unhelpful; take this example: ‘We need to pay the home-help fairly.’ ‘Well, if you want to be a charity…’ – this response diverts the discussion from whether or not the home-help is paid fairly and only reveals a lack of a valid argument. Sometimes though, people do not feel like talking and would rather process the issue on their own. In such instances there is no point in forcing a discussion; it is best to let go – that is, unless it is an avoidance strategy. If talking is habitually avoided, you may need to resort to changing your attitude.

Changing your attitude

This is another way of affecting a relationship. A real change is not achieved by fantasising about what you could do and say, or by acting differently, but by shifting your perceived position in the relationship or your inner stance towards the person. The way we relate to somebody is a result of our frame of mind, so if that is changed, behavioural changes come about spontaneously. When only behaviour is changed, countless details, difficult to control consciously, will betray the real state (e.g. behaving as an equal if you feel inferior is unlikely to work).

Ending relationship (separation)

On some occasions though, whatever we do may not lead to a positive outcome and we may think about ending the relationship. Handling endings well is not easy; these two conditions can provide at least some chance of a good ending:

• An opportunity for closure: when the other person initiates the break up most of us want to know why, but when we initiate it, we’d rather avoid talking about why. We fear that the other person may pressurise us to change our mind, or that it will be ‘messy’ (crying, etc.), or that we will hurt the other if we tell them the truth. To minimise the above, offer to talk but make clear that the talk is about the closure and nothing else.
• Respect: a separation initiated only by one side may have a negative effect on the self-esteem of the other, so it is important to accompany it with showing genuine respect.

If you are thinking about ending a relationship, consider first how you would like somebody to end a relationship with you (e.g. if you would like to know why, will you too offer an explanation?).

If the other one ends the relationship without offering a chance for closure and showing respect, this shows that he is not a nice person. You can create your own closure by realising that it is actually good to end this relationship. If it bothers you that you didn’t have any say in the matter or didn’t pull the plug first, these can be signs of low self-esteem, so turn to your self-respect.

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(1) Duck, S. (1991) Friends for Life. Harvester: Wheatsheaf, p.128.
(2) Sternberg, R. J. and Barnes, M. L. (1985) ‘Real and Ideal Others in Romantic Relationships: Is Four a Crowd?’ in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49 (6), p.134. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.