57. Appearance

Appearance is big business nowadays. Images of public figures show how appearances are used to produce certain effects (e.g. politicians appearing in casual clothes on some occasions and in a business suit in others). This ability to create an impression is achieved through various means (clothes, make-up, posture, demeanour) and, of course, it is relevant not only for celebrities but for all of us. In this area we will focus on some basic facets that affect appearance: congruence, appeal and flexibility.

Why appearance matters

Appearance has a multiple purpose: to attract or protect; to help us situate ourselves within a certain role; to communicate mood, character, profession, position or status. So even if you don’t care about your appearance, it will still greatly affect the impression you leave. This influences the assessment and attitude of others towards you, which can, in turn, affect your interactions and self- esteem. So, let us see what really matters in this respect.

Congruence

Congruent appearance corresponds with the person, while an incongruent one does not. In other words, incongruent appearance is the result of an attempt to appear differently to who we are. This can have various motives: to trick others, to hide or protect, to preserve privacy, to compensate for a sense of personal inadequacy or inferiority, or to impress others. The aspects of appearance that are strongly emphasised may even indicate the opposite. For example, an over-jovial appearance may hide depression, or boisterous behaviour low self-esteem. There are a number of disadvantages to incongruent appearance:

• It makes you tense, creates a barrier between you and others, and is never fully satisfactory. Closeness is avoided for fear that the real person will be revealed and rejected.
• It is off-putting as it leaves an impression of being false.
• Trying to impress others with pretence also diminishes individuality and, if recognised, it may have the opposite effect from that desired. An attempt in deception is usually compensation for lacking certain qualities (e.g. a genuinely tough guy does not need to create an impression of being a tough guy); if you are not aware of it, others may well be.
• Even if you achieve a desired effect on others, it is usually temporary as it is hard to live up to created expectations, and when the discrepancy is recognised, losses are greater than any previous gains. For example, you may deceive somebody with a lot of make-up, but it won’t work in a long-term relationship.

Congruent appearance is about the match between your character, personality or inner states, and your appearance (as Socrates called for in the above quote). Congruence matters for several reasons: it is less effortful, it fosters spontaneity, you can be more relaxed and other people are more at ease as a result. Congruent appearance does not require that you are always the same in every situation. It still allows for presenting yourself in various ways, as you can choose to draw on different aspects of your character or personality. For example, your appearance may vary when you go to work and when you go out to have fun, and both can still be congruent. Or you may adjust your appearance to your mood. Creating an image is not a problem, as long as it is genuine. The following exercise can help you check if it really is.

Matching the inner and the outer: next time you get ready to go out, for example, check whether or not your appearance is congruent . Is this really you? If not, is there a good reason for you to appear different? Would incongruent appearance really help? What would happen if your appearance reflected your real self? How would that look? When doing this, don’t forget to factor in respect for others and the occasion, as this is part of yourself too.

Appeal

What makes an appearance appealing? Physical characteristics perhaps come first to mind here. No doubt that they matter, at least to begin with. However, appeal based on physical characteristics is superficial and short lived. Appeal or attractiveness is not just about physical looks. There have been many film stars for example, who haven’t been physically appealing, but their personalities or talents have shone through and they managed to win others over. There are three other factors that affect our appeal and that we can do something about:

• Research confirms that ‘people who are seen as attractive are usually those with interesting or lively personalities’.(1) This is why your attractiveness varies – it depends on your state of mind at that moment. For example, insecurities about your looks can diminish your appeal more than perceived flaws. So abandon any comparisons with others, and cultivate a likeable and charming personality if you want to have appeal.
• Lifestyle (healthy diet, being physically active, good hygiene) also affects our attractiveness. Just think about one’s looks after being ‘wasted’ the night before.
• ‘Add-ons’ (make-up, clothes, jewellery, hairstyle): appeal can take different forms; rather than complying with certain standards you can create your own style in accordance with your personality. However, an appearance is always more appealing if it is harmonious. This does not imply regularity, but some coherence between what is expressed and how it is expressed, as well as between whatever ‘add-ons’ you use. Fashion is very much linked to this topic, so these reflections may be relevant at this point: does fashion matter to you? If it does matter, why is that? What messages do those who follow fashion convey? Is fashion compatible with individuality and authenticity? What are we to think about those who don’ t follow fashion? Is it hard not to follow fashion and why? Fashion persuades people to buy the new even though the old may still be okay. What effects does this have on the economy and the environment?

Flexibility

It is a good idea to be flexible with your image for several reasons:

• A fixed negative image may have a lasting effect on your sense of self-worth as well as how you relate to others.
• Being attached to even an agreeable image can be restrictive and hard work to constantly keep supporting it.
• Others can use it to control you – you may be cajoled to do something in order to be faithful to your fixed image (‘you are a nice guy, will you do it for me?’), rather than to yourself.
• An image that is useful in some situations may not be in others (e.g. a person with a fixed ‘tough guy’ image may find intimacy difficult). If you are not attached to your images, you can use and change them depending on the situation, which increases your freedom.

Playing with appearance: experiment with different appearances, first on your own (use a mirror if necessary), and then when with others. Counter fixed elements of your image by deliberately creating different ones. For instance, if you are always in jeans and sweaters, try a suit or dress (and the other way around). Or if you are timid, try to be outgoing. Register how you feel: liberated, comfortable, anxious, tense? Even if you don’t feel instantly right, give the change a fair chance. When with others though, take one step at a time and, to preserve spontaneity, analyse their reactions afterwards rather than while still with them.

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(1) Duck, S. (1991) Friends for Life. Harvester: Wheatsheaf, p.45. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.