52. Belonging

Belonging (to a group) is quite ubiquitous, so whether you have a strong sense of belonging, or it doesn’t matter to you, or you feel isolated and excluded, it is well worth taking a closer look. We will consider the pros and cons of groups, group requirements, and what helps to be accepted by a group, but let’s start with categories that a sense of belonging is usually associated with.

The categories of belonging

Although we are separate individuals to some extent, we all also belong to some groups. Groups can consist of only a few people (as in the case of a family or a team) or be very large (e.g. a nation). You don’t need to know each member of the group you are part of and, obviously, the members do not need to be in physical proximity (especially if we have in mind virtual groups). The sense of belonging can be defined by several categories:

• Physical (e.g. race, nation, sex, lineage, age): you do not choose these groups but were, so to speak, born into them.
• Social (religion, family, country, culture): membership of these groups is induced by your surroundings, usually in childhood.
• Self-determined (e.g. partners, friends, professional groups, clubs, social networks): groups are chosen on the basis of personal preferences, shared interests and mutual acceptance.
• Transcendent: being a part of humanity, a sense of connection with the whole world and even beyond (often experienced in nature, but it is not confined to nature).

In reality there is not a clear distinction between these categories. For example, belonging to a club or even one’ s partner may be socially determined, or belonging to a religion may be a personal choice. Still, it is worth considering which category matters to you most and if groups that are important to you are mainly from that category. Would you like to change anything in this respect?

Pros and cons of groups

Belonging to a group obviously has some advantages but it may also have some disadvantages. Here are some examples:

Pros

• Being in a group increases one’s sense of security (you feel safer when you are part of something larger than yourself).
• Groups can increase productivity (more can be done in groups than individually – think about building a house, for example).
• They reduce the risk of errors.
• Being part of a group may decrease dependence on individuals (because there are others), as well as on the larger society (as you rely on your group instead).

Either

Shared responsibility is common in groups, which can be good or bad. It can increase motivation (e.g. you are more likely to stick with exercising if in a group). But it can also decrease motivation to act. Take the so-called ‘bystander effect’: people are more likely to respond, and more quickly, to an emergency if they are alone than with others(1) (this is because, when others are around, they believe that somebody else will take responsibility). So if you have a heart attack, it is better when there are fewer people around than more!

Cons

• The group can limit individual freedom and lead to conformity.
• It is more inert and slow, and often operates at the level of the lowest common denominator.
• If you focus too much on a group that you belong to, the rest of the world may be alienated and even perceived as hostile, which makes you more susceptible to group control (this is why it is always good to maintain some outside contacts with a wider social framework – just in case).
• The ‘in group-out-group’ mentality: groups normally promote a sense of belonging, but in some cases groups can have the opposite effect and create a feeling of exclusion (for non- members as well as some members).

Group requirements

Self preservation and optimal functioning is not only a prerogative for individuals but for groups too. Knowing what groups need in this respect can help you fit in well:

• A common purpose: to be accepted, you need to recognise what keeps the group together, which may not always be what it seems (e.g. people may gather in the church for primarily social rather than religious reasons; or go fishing to have fun rather than to catch the fish).
• Boundaries: a group wouldn’t be a group if it didn’t have some boundaries, so it is important to be aware and respect them, especially if new to the group.
• Organisation deals with where, when, what and who. The last point requires finding your place or role within the group.
• Participation: groups rely on the contribution of its members (in one way or another), so how much you will get from a group depends to a large extent on how much you invest in it.
• Non-dependence on an individual: a group that depends on an individual does not last long, so nobody should make herself (or be made by others) irreplaceable.
• Cohesion means that group members share a common ground. This is not to say that conformity is necessary. Individual differences are okay, as long as they do not interfere with the effective functioning of the group.
• Commonly accepted norms: every group has implicit or explicit norms (e.g. rules, customs, bylaws) that enable its functioning. Although they can be sometimes transgressed, groups have a tendency towards self-preservation; so if a margin of abuse is surpassed, it will sooner or later turn against the perpetrators. Some norms may be perceived as imperfect, unfair, or an infringement on one’s freedom, but if the group has managed to survive, not all of its norms can be bad.
• Ability to adapt: although the members are usually expected to accept the norms, any group needs to adapt and evolve, so there is always some room for those who want to make a change or improvement.

Joining a new group

It is noted that those individuals who are accepted ‘observe the group to understand what is going on before entering in, and then do something that shows they accept it; they wait to have their status in the group confirmed before taking initiative in suggesting what the group should do’ (2). Following these hints may maximise your chances, but is not a guarantee that you will be accepted. If you are not, remember that you can still do something in order to achieve a sense of belonging: consider first if you are rejected because of you or them. If it was you, try to make some personal changes; if it was the group (e.g. you are rejected because of your nationality, which you can’t change) be more flexible with your choice and turn to other groups, or form one yourself.

You and the group: choose a group you are interested in. Visualise or draw a symbol that best represents this group (e.g. a circle). Now consider where you feel you are in relation to that circle – near the centre, at the periphery, outside? Draw a little star where you see yourself. Are you happy there? If not, draw a dot where you would like to be and consider how you can get there. If there is nothing you can do, examine why this is the case, and consider if there are any alternative groups you can join.

Mattering

Irrespective of the group we are part of (friends, colleagues, a sports team), we want to matter. The less we feel that we matter, the stronger that urge is. And when that urge is strong, we tend to push (by, for example, pestering our friends or colleagues). The trouble is that the more we push, the more others pull away, reducing our sense that we matter even further. To break this vicious circle, you may need to go through the cold turkey of mattering: don’t let the group take you for granted but do your best so that you really matter (ask yourself ‘how can I contribute?’); and, just as importantly, don’t seek validation – let it come to you.

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(1) Latane, B. and Darley, J. (1968) ‘Group Inhibition of Bystander Intervention in Emergencies’ in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 10 (3), p.215-221. 
(2) Goleman, D. (1995) Emotional Intelligence. London: Bloomsbury, p.124. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.