50. Individuality

Although we have much in common, everybody is a different, separate individual, with our own distinctive set of characteristics and life experiences. So individuality is a given, and this area will focus on factors that restrict its actualisation: copying others, conformity, being self-conscious and trying to please others.

Copying

Copying others may be useful when learning new skills. However, copying the manners or appearance of somebody else with the hope that some of their essence will rub off on us, is misleading at the very least. Copying another may temporarily increase your self-esteem but it requires suppressing your individuality, which creates an inner conflict and diminishes self-respect. To copy means, in a way, giving up your own life, losing yourself. So, even if you achieve a desired goal but alienate yourself in the process, you won’t enjoy it because you will not be there but somebody else’s copy. Everybody has their own way, and what has worked for one person may not work for another. Copying doesn’t work with others either; an imperfect original is usually more valued than even a successful copy of a masterpiece.

Conformity

Conformity refers to compliance with the attitudes, behaviour, dress code etc. of a group. Where conformity dominates, individual judgments tend to converge and group norms become a relatively permanent frame of reference. This can be a result of the need for security and approval, or just simple laziness. Another powerful force towards conformity is the feelings of separateness and anxiety that showing individuality may bring. These feelings may be experienced not only by those who do not conform, but also by the rest of the group, who may fear for the cohesiveness of the group. Individuality, however, does not need to be a threat to, or create a conflict with, the society or group. It doesn’t mean being egocentric, but accepting that you are, like everybody else, somewhat different, and allowing yourself (and others) to be so. Valuing what we share does not preclude respecting what we don’t. In fact, individuality may add something worthwhile to the group. What stands in the way of the above is peer pressure.

Peer pressure

Why do w succumb to peer pressure? Because we want to be popular or at least accepted; the flock mentality also feeds into this – some insecure people tend to affirm their sense of belonging by ridiculing, laughing at, taunting, ignoring or even bullying those who are or attempt to be different. All the above can make us do what we think that others want even if this is not what we really want. However, succumbing to peer pressure means losing our individuality, which may lead to losing other things as well. For example, imagine you don’t care about the latest fashion and somebody else doesn’t care for it either – but if you both succumb to peer pressure, you won’t recognise that you have something in common with each other. So, you may miss a chance to meet somebody who shares your affinities and values, for the sake of others who may not be very important to you anyway.

Resisting the pressure to conform

You can take the following steps to resist peer pressure:

• The first step to do so is by asking (yourself and maybe others): ‘Why?’ (e.g. why do men usually wear ties and women high heels? Both are not good for our bodies).
• If you conclude that there is no sensible answer, consider if going against the grain is worthwhile. What do you risk?
• Prepare how you will respond (if at all) when others pressure you to conform. For example, you may ask somebody who laughs at you, ‘are you afraid of somebody different?’
• If you feel ostracised, imagine that you are currently a group of one – if you withstand the pressure, somebody may join in!

Being self-conscious 

The opinions, judgments and other reactions of people towards us are important because they provide social orientation and security. Pretending that they are not may increase their influence over us on an unconscious level. However, being aware of and respecting the opinions of others is different from judging yourself only through their eyes, using them as a mirror and the only measure of your own worth. Exaggerated concern about the impression we leave increases insecurity and vulnerability and can also lead to mistaken self-assessment. You may, for example, start questioning what’s wrong with you in response to somebody’s reaction, but she may simply be in a bad mood or react in a particular way for reasons completely unrelated to you. So what can we do?

• Avoid mind-reading: you do not have direct access to the minds of others, so trying to guess what others think of you is pretty much pointless. A sense or feeling that you draw from focusing on atmosphere and on others (rather than on yourself through them) is a much better guide.
• Avoid the illusion of transparency: when self-conscious, we tend to overestimate to what extent others can detect our inner states – remember, they do not have access to your mind either!
• Avoid the spotlight effect: we also tend to overestimate the extent to which our behaviour and appearance are noticed and evaluated by others – you are most likely not in the spotlight!
• Even if you are, so what? Practising this exercise can help:

Being watched: imagine, while for example walking or waiting for a bus, that somebody is observing you (for no specific reason). Monitor how you feel and in what way it affects your behaviour. If you react strongly, try first to find out why it matters to you and if it is justified. Then, relax and make a conscious attempt not to be bothered much (you can, for instance, say to yourself ‘So what?’). You can also imagine (but don’t get into details) that people are talking about you, and do the same.

Pleasing others

Pleasing others is usually motivated by a desire to be loved and/or praised. However, always giving in or trying to fulfil the expectations of others doesn’t earn you love but loss of respect. Even hardened manipulators value more those who do not always concede because it shows that they are not just objects but individuals. If adapting to the desires or demands of others is the strongest factor that influences your behaviour, it can be interpreted as weakness and abused.

The above is not a licence to be irresponsible or unhelpful – it only means not letting others take you for granted. In other words, being aware of your needs and desires too, and contributing to decisions and plans rather than just following them. You may still need to adapt, but to the situation rather than to others. For example, if you want to go on an expensive holiday with your friends but some of them don’t have enough money, you may have to be flexible and perhaps choose something cheaper.

The outcome may be the same, but there is a difference if you do this just to please others or because it makes sense to you. Individuality is not supported or proven by always being in opposition to something or someone (in which case you are still only reactive rather than proactive), but by taking into consideration yourself as well as others. There is no good justification for doing otherwise – just excuses.

What do I really want? Make a habit of checking from time to time your own needs and desires in social situations: do you really want to be there and do what you are doing – or you are just complying with the wishes of others or trying to leave an impression? If it is the latter, you don’t need to change something straight away. Consider it first in the light of your priorities at that moment. You may decide, for example, to go along with what is happening out of consideration (which is different from pleasing others). Otherwise, take the plunge and do what you really want – or don’t do what you don’t want.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.