42. Achieving

Achieving refers to our ability to meet challenges and complete tasks. We are all born with the motivation to do so, although some life experiences may weaken it [1]. To increase our mastery over it, what contributes to each stage of the process will be highlighted.

Choose a challenge

To get the most out of this area, choose a task you will keep in mind while reading and apply what you have read to (e.g. passing a driving test, winning a game, climbing a mountain). Try to pick a task of the right size for you. A task that is too easy may not be challenging or interesting enough to bring much satisfaction; too difficult a task may undermine your confidence and motivation. This said, there are ways of making big challenges manageable.

Making big tasks manageable

• A big project can be broken into several smaller tasks that are tackled in turn – this can bring a sense of accomplishment sooner and so maintain motivation. Let’s say your project is to sail around the world: one task could be to learn to sail, the other to save money to buy a boat, the third getting sponsors, the fourth sailing itself. But this is not all.
• Each task may be broken further into sequences. For routine tasks, it is better, if possible, to start with the hardest one while you still have a lot of energy (e.g. if you are going to clean the flat, start from the dirtiest room). For challenging tasks start with the easiest sequence – this will give you the confidence to tackle more difficult ones if successful or a more realistic view of the project if you can’t complete even the easiest part.

Assuming that you have chosen what you want to achieve, let’s now turn to each stage of the process.

The stages of achievement

To cover as many tasks as possible, several tips are suggested for each stage, but not all of them may be relevant in every case.

Analyse the situation

• Learn as much as you can about your task. For example, if you want to win a game, observe your opponent playing to determine their strengths and weaknesses. There is always something to be learnt if you pay attention.
• Consider how much time is needed to prepare for and accomplish the task and whether you have it.
• What do you assume (e.g. that everybody will love the product you want to sell)? Are your assumptions sound?
• What are the restraining and facilitating factors? How can you reduce and strengthen them, respectively (e.g. getting nervous may be a restraining factor for passing your driving test; having a very supportive instructor may be a facilitating factor)?
• What are your weaknesses? How can you minimise them?
• What are your strengths? How can you maximise them?
• What is relevant for your achievement and what is not? Exclude (from your mind) what is not, and focus on what is.

Prepare

• Are you mentally and physically in good form? If not, what can you do to improve it?
• Do you have all you need (e.g. equipment, resources, assistance)? If not, how can you get it?
• If possible, choose a convenient place and time for action.
• Remove from your surroundings whatever can be a distraction (e.g. switch off your phone).
• To avoid an unpleasant surprise, don’t underestimate your opponents and possible obstacles and treat them with respect.
• Do not count on luck! Have something in reserve (backup plans, alternative routes), especially if you do not have all the important information. For example, what are you going to do if you get lost or it starts raining while climbing a mountain?

Engage

This is the crucial step, and there are many points relevant to it:

• Determination: entering this stage half-heartedly or with conflicting motives decreases the chances of success. So, be clear about what you want and begin without doubts.
• Confidence: do you believe that you can make it? Obviously, being overly confident is a recipe for failure, but if you don’t think you can make it at all, why bother?
• Focus: if you are not fully focused, you massively reduce your chances of making it, so don’t let yourself be distracted (e.g. keep your eyes on the road during your driving test, no matter how interesting pedestrians or shops are).
• Keep your emotions and excitement in check: they can be a powerful source of energy but can reduce concentration. Try to keep both positive and negative emotions in a ‘Goldilocks zone’ (not too much, not too little) in order to make them work for you rather than the other way around.
• Be one step ahead: try to predict what will happen next or what the next move of the other side will be (i.e. get in their shoes and imagine what you would do in their position).
• Be strategic: opposing a force in its full strength is usually a waste of energy. It may be better to wait for a blow to lose its strength or use that force to your advantage by encouraging it to go too far (one of the basic principles in judo, for example).
• If you have made a mistake, don’t dwell on it: otherwise, you will make further mistakes since you are focusing on what has happened rather than on what is happening. Do damage control instead, and concentrate on turning things around.
• If you are losing, remain alert and ready to take a chance: do not succumb to defeatist attitudes and negative emotions. It is not over until it is over! However, recognising when it really is over is wise. Don’t get attached to a desire to win. Sometimes it may be best to cash in your chips and walk away.
• If you are winning, remain vigilant: over-confidence when on a roll can easily turn a victory into a defeat. Remember, it is not in the bag if it is not in the bag or if it can jump out of it.

Rebalance

Allow yourself to express or meet the needs that you had to suppress during an action, such as bodily needs (food, drink, toilet, etc.), a need for rest, or emotional release and processing. Don’t skip this step irrespective of whether you were successful or not – it is important for your physical and mental wellbeing.

Evaluate

After re-balancing is completed, you can consider the following:

• What you can learn from the experience. Although you may not always win, you can always learn something.
• What you did well and what you didn’t.
• What you can do to improve.

How to do your best

Doing your best does not guarantee success (sometimes we fail for reasons beyond our control), but even a failure is easier to bear if we know that we did all we could. You may lose, but you don’t have to feel defeated! There are two challenges to doing your best:

Self-sabotage can have various motives: to reduce uncertainty and anxiety, to confirm a negative view of oneself, or to avoid feeling guilty. If you are prone to self-sabotage, try the following:

Meet the inner saboteur: imagine that you have already failed or given up. Is there a part of you that feels relieved or good about it? If so, listen to it first (learn why it feels that way) and then try to negotiate, modify or alleviate these feelings without having to fail or give up.

Focusing only on the end result is unhelpful as it diverts your attention from the present (where the action is) and also makes your task less enjoyable. Csikszentmihalyi, of Flow fame, writes: ‘When beating the opponent takes precedence in the mind over performing as well as possible, enjoyment tends to disappear.’[2]

If you worry that you will lose, accept the consequences of that possibility and then focus on the action and doing your best.

 

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(1) Spence, J. T. and Helmreich, R. L. (1983) ‘Achievement – Related Motives and Behaviours’ in Spence, J (ed.) Achievement and Achievement Motives. San Francisco: W. H. Freeman, p.25.
(2) Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1992). Flow. London: Rider, p.50.

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

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(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.