33. Meaning

Perceiving one’s life and actions as meaningful is a universal need but, as we will discuss below, meaning cannot be generalised (what is meaningful for one person may not be for another). So this area will focus on what can give us the sense of meaning, the scope of meaning, and the closely related concept of commitment.

Two types of meaning

There are two types of meaning, which are often confused with each other, so let’s clarify the difference between them:

• The meaning of life: this is the big one that relates to the question of whether life in general has a purpose, whether or not there is an overall plan. If there is, it is not up to us to make it but to find it. This type of meaning is usually associated with a divine creator, so many religious people believe that there is a meaning of life while many atheists believe that there is not.
• Meaning in life is a meaning that each individual can create for themselves. While meaning of life may be debatable, there is no doubt that we can all have meaning in life. However, as we create that meaning ourselves, very different things can be meaningful for different people (while the former would be the same for everybody). We will focus here only on meaning in life (the meaning of life is discussed in The Synthesis book)(1).

Why a sense of meaning matters

A number of psychologists assert that we require meaning to survive.(2) The most frequent reason given for suicide is that the person has no purpose for which to continue living.(3) A sense of meaning can help us cope with difficulties (as the above quote sums up well); research shows that people who report a stronger sense of the purpose of their lives remain healthier in the face of stress.(4) Moreover, a feeling that one’s life has some meaning is also correlated with happiness.(5)

Meaning and ideals

Like a movie or a book, life is more satisfying if it makes sense, if it is meaningful. When our activities do not have any meaningful relationship to one another, they do not give a satisfying overall character to one’s life. The sense that life is meaningful can be lost if you are bound only to short-term, day-to-day pleasures and tasks. Big aims, visions, ideals and deep emotions can be inspiring and can help us see value in everyday life. True, being realistic can save you from disappointment and naivety. However, being cynical and believing that any ideals are either unattainable or not worth pursuing is only a justification for giving up or not trying. If such sentiments are directed towards others, they may mask envy (of those who are still trying and may succeed). To avoid being a target, you don’t need to give up your ideals – just be careful about who you expose them to. To avoid becoming cynical yourself, make your ideals as realistic as possible.

Do you have a big aim or an ideal, something that gives you a sense of meaning and is worth living for? If you don’t, consider if you would like to have one (never mind if you are not clear what it is right now, keep reading and you may get some ideas).

What can give us a sense of meaning

Meaning in life can differ from person to person, but generally speaking, four categories can be distinguished:

• Some find meaning in a sense of personal fulfilment (e.g. certain pleasures such as reading, hobbies, travelling).
• For many, on the other hand, it is about engagement with those close to them (e.g. family, friends).
• Sometimes, personal development and achievements (in career, study, sports) may be the most important thing.
• To some, self-transcendence gives a sense of meaning (e.g. reaching the state of nirvana, or ending in Heaven).

These categories, of course, are not exclusive (they may overlap), but our choices in this respect determine, to some extent, our life paths. Which one appeals to you most?

The scope of meaning

• In the above instances the concern is primarily with yourself. Considering that our lives will come to an end one day, this scope is in most cases somewhat limited, so it is rarely completely satisfactory.
• Dedication to others (e.g. teaching, nursing, charity work) has a wider scope, which is less fragile because even if one dies its meaningfulness can carry on through the lives of others. This scope is different from finding meaning in being with one’s family and friends (see above) because it can include anybody – not just people who are close and dear to us.
• The universal provides boundless scope and can give a continual sense of meaning. It does not exclude the first two, but includes them as a part of a wider perspective. The universal is close to experiencing the whole of life as meaningful (even when you are waiting for a bus, listening to a bore, or filling in a form). You don’t even need to formulate it; what matters is being aware that you are a part of a larger picture and willing to contribute to or harmonise your life and actions with it. This is different from following an ideology or credo for fear of punishment or expecting a reward. Accepting some universal guidelines does not mean submission, although it may require rising above your instant urges and desires.

It should be stressed that the scope depends more on the attitude you take than on the kind of activity you do (e.g. you can do a cleaning job just to get paid or also to make the space nicer for others – the scope of meaning is wider in the latter case).

Imaginary dialogue: you can use imagination to clarify your thoughts in this area. Sometimes it is easier to consider certain matters in a dialogue form, which can be achieved by externalising and individualising a part of yourself. Some authors suggest creating an image that represents wisdom for you (it can be based on a sage, philosopher, friend, relative, or fictional character) and engaging in a dialogue with it.

Commitment

Commitment is an expression of meaning – meaning in action. When people describe their lives as meaningful, this usually implies that they are committed to something. A committed person has in mind an aim or purpose and is willing to invest effort and make some sacrifices, if necessary, to achieve it. You can hardly be committed to something that has no meaning for you. The other way around applies too: meaning without commitment is just an empty gesture or a pipe-dream.

Is there are anything that you are or wish to be committed to (e.g. a relationship, an activity, spiritual practice, family, a particular kind of lifestyle)? If you are not and don’t want to be committed to anything it may be worth considering why this is the case (e.g. it may feel too restrictive, you may have been disappointed in the past) and whether these reasons are really valid.

Some cautions about commitment

Commitments can be great but tricky, so it is good to be aware of some common challenges that may be encountered along the way:

• Some activities are finite, so the meaning they provide may be temporary. For example, if you are committed to a sporting achievement or your job, life may become less meaningful when a physical peak is reached or you retire. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being committed to such activities, it is only important to be aware that they may not provide a sense of meaning forever.
• Some commitments may be a dead-end, our circumstances may change or you may gain new insights that challenge your commitments. To know if you should stick with your commitment or change it, ask yourself occasionally ‘is this still meaningful for me?’
• We can be tempted by immediate pleasures or something exciting to abandon our commitment. In such situations it is a good idea to consider how you would feel after the pleasure or excitement wears off. Would you still think that abandoning your commitment was worthwhile?

---

(1) Popovic, N. (2008) The Synthesis. London: PWBC. 
(2) Victor Frankl has written several books on this subject: Man’s Search for Meaning. London: Hodder and Stoughton, 1962; The Will to Meaning. New York: New American Library, 1970; The Unheard Cry for Meaning. New York [etc.]: Bantam, 1978. See also Yalom, I. (1980) Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books. 
(3) Farber, M. L. (1968) Theory of Suicide. New York, London: Funk & Wagnalls.
(4) Bee, H. (1996) The Journey of Adulthood. New Jersey: Prentice Hall, p. 329.
(5) Argyle, M. (1987) The Psychology of Happiness. London: Methuen, p.215. 

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen 'I can', think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

Old pattern		New pattern
Advantages	Disadvantages	Advantages	Disadvantages

However, if wanting to change is only in your head, it may not be sufficient – the resolution needs to come from your gut. A half- hearted attempt is unlikely to succeed, so make sure that you really want to make a change. The stronger and deeper the feelings associated with the change are, the more profound the change will be. The following interventions can help in this respect.

Wanting change: imagine what your life will look like (in a few days, months or years) if you continue in the same direction. Then imagine vividly that you have changed. What will it look like? How will you feel? Which one is better? Nurture a sense that you can live well without the old habit by seeing life after the change in a positive light.

‘I like’: We can learn to like and dislike something. Nobody likes their first cigarette or first glass of vodka but some persist and learn to like it. If we can learn to like what is not good for us, we can learn to like what is. We can do so by associating a change with a good experience. For example, rather than forcing yourself to eat healthily, find a way to enjoy it: prepare a nice meal and/or add to it something that you already like (e.g. bacon bits, grated cheese, good company, or nice music – be creative!). You can combine this with growing a dislike for the old habit: associate it with unpleasant feelings. 'But', you may ask, 'what can I like if I just want to give up something (e.g. smoking)?' You can like being in charge and free (from the old habit); the benefits of the new (e.g. smelling good, breathing well); the company of likeminded people; yourself, your body, your mind, your life!

The stages of change

It is widely accepted that there are several stages of change(1). Here are some suggestions for each of them:

Learn about your habit

• Its causes: to examine the causes or reasons why you have a particular habit, imagine that you no longer do what you usually do – how do you feel? How can you address the underlying feeling that causes your habit?
• Its triggers: to locate its triggers, observe your habit without any interference. A trigger can be your state of mind, other people or certain events. Consider how they can be neutralised –what else could you do in a trigger situation?

Prepare

• Set an achievable, realistic goal. Bear in mind that a small change is better than a big failure.
• If you have succeeded in making a change in the past, recall what helped you then – the same or similar may help you now.
• Your old habit may be part of a larger picture (e.g. staying out late may be a part of your social life). In this case, you may need to do something about other parts too (e.g. friends who encourage you to stay out late).
• Be prepared for the fact that some people around you may not be supportive: think about who may want (perhaps unconsciously) to sabotage the change and what you can do about it. By the same token, consider who you can talk to or rely on if you are in danger of relapsing.
• Go back to the above table that compares the old pattern and the new one, and consider how you can compensate for the advantages of the former and the disadvantages of the latter.
• Decide if you will make a change gradually or in one go.
• Consider the timing (e.g. if you are taking exams next week, it may be better to make your change after that) and set the date.
• Attempt to make a change only when you feel ready. Are you 100% ready? If you are not, go back to the prerequisites.

Go for it

• Announce your intentions and ask others to support you.
• Stop negotiating with yourself (or you will lose it). Just do it!
• Dis-identify with what needs to be changed and identify with the new (e.g. if you wish to be more outgoing, stop thinking about yourself as a shy person). You can even mentally identify with an image that symbolises the change (e.g. a rock if you want to be more firm with your choices).

Persist

Persistence is essential in this process because old patterns tend to return out of habit. This may be the hardest part (as somebody once said: ‘It's easy to stop smoking, I do it twenty times a day’). However, persevering is worthwhile: in addition to the specific benefits, every successful change also increases your sense of personal power and control. This can help you to persist:

• Use a tempting situation as a reminder to stick to your goal.
• Catch yourself when tempted, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and then remember the consequences of backsliding (e.g. how you will feel tomorrow).
• It is much easier to relapse when excited, so be especially vigilant if you notice that you are getting keyed up.
• Use your imagination to put yourself off a temptation (e.g. imagine slime dripping on and covering a cake you fancy).
• Enjoy the new as well as its benefits, and appreciate your achievement (no false modesty, making a change is a big deal!)

If you relapse

If you experience a relapse, accept it as a temporary setback – you are defeated only if you give up! Be aware of what is going on though, as this may help you in the future. Establish why it has happened and develop a strategy for similar situations in the future. For example, if you had a cigarette because you were annoyed, think about what you will do instead the next time you get annoyed. A frequent reason for relapse is forgetting what you have decided. So, remember to remember!

---

(1) Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994) Changing for Good. New York: Collins.