6. Emotional Regulation
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Attributed to psychologist Viktor Frankl
As noted in the introduction to this group, emotional reactions differ from feelings. They are not about experiencing but about reacting to experience, which usually involves a surge of energy conveyed vocally, through facial expressions or actions (e.g. crying, shouting, kicking). This area focuses on managing them, with the aim of having emotions without letting them have us.
Managing your emotions
Emotional reactions can signal to others what is happening and provide us with extra energy and incentive. When we need to boost motivation, a pep talk or invoking emotionally charged images can really help. However, in the complex world we live in, reacting emotionally can be a hindrance rather than help. It can also become a downward spiral: the more we do it, the more easily it is set off. This doesn’t even make us feel better. Research suggests that giving vent to anger does little or nothing to dispel it [i]. Furthermore, dysregulated emotions impair our judgements, decision-making, and thinking (try doing maths when emotional to see it). They rarely resolve anything or have the desired effect. In fact, they usually make things worse – when under their influence, we tend to do or say things we later regret. In short, it is best to avoid exercising the muscle of your emotional reactions whenever you can, or at least deal with them and the situation separately.
Dealing with your reactions first
When you notice a surge of anger or upset, for example, remove yourself from the situation, if possible, and address them first:
- Expend excess energy through a cooling-off activity – go for a walk or run, or have a good cry. Beating a bag or cushion is another way to let off steam, but don’t use others for that purpose! Whatever you do, make sure you don’t fuel emotions with your thoughts and imagination; just focus on cooling off.
- When you are calmer, acknowledge any underlying feelings that triggered your reaction (e.g. disappointment, unfairness, hurt, loss) and, if necessary, attend to them (see Feelings).
- Look at the situation with a clear mind and decide what to do about it. Even if you conclude that nothing can be done or is worth doing, you will gain peace of mind, which will help you accept what happened and move on.
In the thick of it
If you can’t attend to your emotions first, here is what you can do:
Suppressing emotions temporarily can be useful when you need to be efficient or make a good impression (e.g. in an emergency or at a job interview). However, suppression can create inner conflict that diverts your attention and energy from the situation. It may even lead to an emotional outburst or shutting down completely, both of which are destructive, particularly in close relationships.
Defusing your reaction (turning down the emotional valve) is often better than suppression. Follow these steps for it:
- Notice and acknowledge your reaction (“I am getting angry”)
- Don’t ask yourself if it’s justified (anger always thinks it is); ask instead if there’s a point, if it’ll help. If it won’t (anger rarely helps), relax and breathe out emotional energy.
- Take on board what happened, but zoom out as if you are an observer rather than a participant. This will help you put it in context and possibly see a lighter side, softening your reaction and reducing the risk of doing something you may regret.
- Make a mental note to process your feelings later if necessary, and then prioritise what matters most in that moment.
Turning your emotion into a more constructive one, such as compassion, humour, or love/passion. For instance, you can turn an angry exchange with your partner into passion, or if you get panicky in a crowded stadium, focus on cheering your team rather than on how to get out. Even anger can be used – it can shake you out if you’re paralysed with fear, for example.
In the aftermath
Emotional reactions usually diffuse spontaneously after an event. If it doesn’t happen, you can try the following:
Release blocked emotions: It is well documented that keeping emotions suppressed is harmful to both the body and the mind[i]. It is also a killjoy. Sit on one emotion, and you’ll be sitting on them all. To release blocked emotions, relax as much as you can and let emotions come up and pass through, but don’t feed them further with thinking and imagination. If emotions run deep or are intense, you can express them through writing or art (e.g. music, drawing, painting). Don’t worry about quality or content (it doesn’t need to relate to the trigger at all) – just let your emotions guide you. You are done when you feel less tense and more at ease.
Separate thinking from emotions to prevent them from feeding each other. If a situation is not resolved to our satisfaction, emotional energy drives us to repeatedly think about it: we try to make sense of what happened, justify our actions, and consider what else we could’ve or still could do. This initially feels good because it produces an impression that we still have some power over the situation. However, thinking easily turns into fuelling emotions further, which creates a loop that is self-harming and hard to break out of. This is why it is important to separate thinking and emotions. To do so, set aside a specific time each day to think about what happened. If tempted at any other time, remind yourself that you will do it at the specified time. If you worry you might forget your line of thought, jot down a quick note and leave it for later. If your emotions scream and shout for attention, suppress or defuse them as described earlier. When the scheduled time arrives, try to think rationally. If you don’t feel like thinking about it, leave it for tomorrow. Remember, you may not always choose your emotion, but you can always choose to feed it or not.
Channel emotional energy into determination to do something productive. This may or may not relate to the trigger situation. For example, after a bad breakup, you might join a gym to get fitter, go travelling, or do some charity work. What matters is that the energy of negative emotions is put to good use.
Emotional freedom
Emotional reactions are not set in stone. They are habits conditioned by a belief that they are justified and the best response in a given situation. They are then reinforced through repetition. But like any other habit, they can be changed. We can cultivate a different response by following the steps in this intervention.
Changing emotional reactions
- Look at your past and consider whether your reactions are really the best way to get you where you want to be or achieve what you want. If not, think about what a better response might look like. This could be a different emotion or an attitude – for instance, you can get serious instead of angry, or act like a professional: not taking things personally and responding calmly but assertively.
- Once you are clear how you would like to respond, try to feel it. Walk around or do something simple, while holding this new attitude, to let your body and mind experience and become familiar with it.
- Sit somewhere comfortably where you will not be disturbed, close your eyes, relax, and imagine a situation where you tend to react inappropriately. If the same reaction begins to rise (e.g. getting angry), acknowledge it, relax further, and observe it as if from a distance. Let its wave pass over, while remaining still. If this is hard, act out that reaction – make faces, gesticulate or mime shouting, but without emotional engagement. If deeper feelings arise, attend to them first (see Feelings).
- Once the old reaction subsides, imagine the situation again, and approach it this time with your new response. Repeat until this becomes easy and natural. Then begin applying it in real-life situations.
[i] Goleman, D. (1995) Emotional Intelligence. London: Bloomsbury, 1996, p.64.
[ii] See, for example, Pennebaker, J. W. (1988). ‘Confiding Traumatic Experiences and Health’ in Fisher, S. and Reason, J. (eds) Handbook of Life Stress Cognition and Health. New York: John Wiley & Sons, p.670-671.
