This section consists of books, articles, online resources, short stories and novels that may be of interest to readers who would like to study some (or all) areas in greater depth. Sieving through an immense number of titles to make this selection was an enjoyable but daunting task. Of course, this list can never be definitive and will require continuous updating; for this reason everybody is invited to make further suggestions. Not all suggestions will necessarily be accepted, but they will all be considered. So if you have any recommendations for fictional or non-fictional material that is insightful or inspiring and can be related to one of the above areas, please let us know.

The Map

For those interested in other attempts at mapping the mind, Hampden-Turner’s Maps of the Mind offers an informative and comprehensive collection of such models.

Self-awareness

Janette Rainwater’s You’re in Charge: A Guide to Becoming Your Own Therapist (particularly chapters 1, 4, 5 and 6), and Know Thyself in Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, focus on this area. If you are interested in introspection, read Hixon, J.G. & Swann, W. B. When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 64, No.1, 1993. Those drawn to dream interpretation may find this article useful: Malinowski, J. Was Freud right about dreams after all? Here’s the research that helps explain it, in The Conversation, 2016: https://theconversation.com/was-freud-right-about-dreams-after-all-heres-the-research-that-helps-explain-it-60884. In fiction, James Joyce’s Ulysses, one of the most significant novels overall, is recommended (but it is not an easy read).

Relating to oneself

Stan Taubman’s Ending the Struggle Against Yourself and the more recent The Self-Acceptance Project: How to Be Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself in Any Situation by Tami Simon, deal with the topic in some depth. Some may also find the article Mindfulness and self-acceptance by Carson, S & Langer, E. from Harvard University (Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, Vol. 24, No. 1, 2006) useful. In fiction, a humorous account of self-distortions can be found in Who Moved my Blackberry by Martin Lukes.

Movies can be inspiring. Here are suggestions for each area:

1. SELF-AWARENESS: Spellbound (1945); Magnolia (1999)
2. RELATING TO ONESELF: Muriel’s Wedding (1994)
3. PERSONAL CHANGE: Fried Green Tomatoes (1992)
4. SELF-VALUATION: It’s a Wonderful Life (1946); Secrets and Lies (1996)
5. FEELINGS: Ordinary People (1980)
6. EMOTIONS: The Sound of Music (1965)
7. EXCITEMENT: Grease (1978)
8. MOODS: Girl, Interrupted (1999)
9. LEARNING: Educating Rita (1983); Little Man Tate (1991)
10. REASONING: Twelve Angry Men (1957)
11. CREATIVE THINKING: F/X murder by Illusion (1986)
12. INNER STRUCTURE: The Truman Show (1998); The Matrix (1999); Dark City (1998)
13. HARMONISATION: Fight Club (1999)
14. STABILITY: The Driver (1978)
15. SELF-DISCIPLINE: All That Jazz (1979)
16. DEVELOPMENT: The Wizard of Oz (1939)
17. COURAGE: Born on the Fourth of July (1990)
18. CONFIDENCE: Billy Elliot (2000)

This area is not in the model and is not its summary, but it overarches the model. You can benefit from it best after you complete going through the other areas. Infinity and wisdom are together as they are two sides of the same coin. Wisdom can be seen as the mastery of negotiating infinity.

Infinity

Here is the very last exercise suggested in these materials:

The above is not a printing error. It is empty, which doesn’t mean that there is nothing there; the boundary is. This is not trivial. Whenever you go online, for example, you operate within the boundaries of your screen, even if you rarely think about it. Similarly, throughout this book you focused on the text within it and most likely never paid attention to a boundary. Let’s look at that now. What do you think about it? Can you step outside and go beyond it? Welcome to infinity! Boundaries can help us open a window to infinity, but we can only really meet infinity when we step outside, into reality. Reality is infinite in so many ways: go small, go big, go quality, go quantity, go possibilities – infinity everywhere. Being finite, maps, texts and images can never capture it fully. Wisdom means recognising both, infinity and our limits. We can keep pushing these limits and gain some territory, but there will still be infinity beyond the horizon. This is why wisdom is associated with being humble in the face of reality. That’s not to say though that we cannot dance with infinity.

Two types of intimate relationships will be discussed here: passionate love and compassionate love. Even though some authors use different terms, they are all in agreement that there is a qualitative difference between an intense but usually short-term burst of passion, and the love that is associated with a long-term relationship. Many relationships fail because those involved do not understand the difference or do not know how to make the transition – which is what we will focus on in this area.

Passionate love

Passionate love is an intense desire for union with the other person. Its purpose is to break barriers and reduce the anxiety of being close to a practical stranger. It is characterised by moments of exultation, excitement, feeling accepted and safe, and even a sense of unity and transcendence. The common view is that its occurrence cannot be controlled (hence, falling in love). In fact, there are a number of factors that can contribute to and fuel passionate love: novelty; intense positive or negative experiences (e.g. having an adventure or going through some difficulties with another person); fantasies (that can be fuelled by delayed or denied gratification). The most common trigger for passionate love though is identifying somebody with the fulfilment of one’s own needs and desires. In other words, projecting one’s ideal onto the other. This is enforced by glossing over anything that doesn’t fit that ideal. And yet, nobody is perfect – sooner or later, reality kicks in and inevitable differences between the real person and the ideal cannot be ignored any more. This (coupled with excitement naturally subsiding) is why passionate love is usually temporary. When we refuse to acknowledge these differences, passionate love becomes infatuation. It may lead to an attempt to force the other to adjust to one’s ideal, which usually ends in either disappointment or rejection. Let’s turn now to dealing with the latter.

As already mentioned, instrumental relationships are a means to an end – their main goal is not relating itself but some sort of benefit: this can be self-benefit, mutual benefit or others-benefit. Let’s consider these three categories in more detail.

Self-benefit relationships

When one is concerned just with his own benefit, others are treated as objects, a means to an end. This leads to valuing them only when they are useful and to attempts to dominate and control. Those on the receiving end may feel used or undermined. This can happen in a wide range of interactions (e.g. a pushy salesman); even intimate partners are not immune to it. If you catch yourself relating in this way, think about how you would feel if you were on the receiving end. If it happens that you are, you have four options (they correspond to general strategies):

• Avoidance: simply move away if you can (e.g. change your job) to avoid this type of relationship.
• Isolation: close down, distance yourself. This can minimise the effects of such behaviour, and reduce emotional reactions.
• Adaptation: adapt, accept your part in the relationship (you may want to do so for the sake of something more important, such as providing for your children). Awareness that this is your conscious choice can help you deal with it.
• Confrontation does not necessarily mean a fight, just making the other aware that you are not going to put up with such an attitude. If you feel that you don’t have enough power and resources to do so, work on building these first. For example, document or record the other person’s behaviour, or try to win support of others (e.g. colleagues).

When choosing between these options, take into account what the possible short- and long-term consequences are, what your priorities are, and which is most likely to be successful.

This area is based on the universal human need (sometimes called ‘affiliative need’) to be with others. Intrinsic relationship can spontaneously appear in any situation. For instance, you may have a chat with a shop assistant or a stranger in a train for no particular reason; it is also an important component of intimate relationships. However, the most prominent type of intrinsic relationship is friendship, so this is what we will mostly focus on here.

What matters in intrinsic relationships

An intrinsic relationship is a relationship that is an end in itself – its main purpose is to be with others. So, instrumental motives (wanting or trying to get something out of your friends) can spoil it. This is not to say that friends should not or cannot help each other, but when friendship is used as a bargaining chip to make others do something for you, it ceases to be a real friendship. Some other things really matter in this type of relationships.

Affective elements of intrinsic relationship

Intrinsic relationships usually include an affective component (we tend to like or love our friends). These feelings can be stimulating and refreshing because they relieve us from being preoccupied with ourselves. However, there is a catch: we also want to be liked and loved, but if we like and love others in order to be liked and loved, this is not intrinsic anymore. It becomes instrumental – which others can easily pick up. So, what can we do about this? Start by liking and loving yourself to reduce dependency on others. Then you can like or love others without expecting them to return it. There may be some truth in the saying that ‘unless you love yourself you cannot love another’. Ideally, loving and being loved get blended like a smoothie! Liking and loving need to be nurtured though, for which some other ingredients are necessary.

This area focuses on critical points in the relationship dynamic: initiating a relationship, disagreements and ending a relationship.

Initiating a relationship

Initiating a relationship can have several motives:

• Intrinsic: you like the person and enjoy being with her. To initiate a relationship though, liking needs to be mutual and genuine, rather than adulterated by, for example, a need to be liked (‘I like you, in order for you to like me back’). There are telltale signs indicating whether people like each other: they show interest in each other’s lives, they tend to smile often, and also eye contact is more frequent and maintained for longer.
• Instrumental: this motive revolves around common interests, and the possible mutual benefits of knowing each other. These benefits do not, of course, need to be material (e.g. providing information, making connections etc.). It is easier to start this sort of relationship if you balance what you can gain with what you can give and what can be shared. Being transparent with your motives builds trust, which is essential in this case.
• Intimate: showing that you are attracted to another person is not an offence, but imposing your desire is. People generally do not like to be treated as objects (of one’s sexual desire). Mature individuals do not have sex or start an intimate relationship because they are tricked or surrender to one’s advances, but because they want to. Sexual desire is natural; however, those who make it their only focus narrow and devalue themselves, which makes them less desirable – and in this case it is certainly true that our reputation precedes us.

The above may lead to three types of relationship that will be discussed in more detail in the respective areas; let’s turn now to another critical point of relationship dynamic: disagreements.

Behaviour in this context refers to a manner of conducting ourselves in an interaction with others. The main topics of this area are external and internal regulators of our behaviour, and also authenticity and spontaneity that facilitate its congruence.

Regulators of behaviour

There are two major ways of regulating behaviour: external (conventions) and internal (consideration).

Conventions are culturally defined customs and norms such as shaking hands, nodding or bowing when you meet somebody; asking for (‘can I have…’) rather than demanding (‘give me…’); thanking those who do something for you, and so on. Conventions are the external regulator because they are usually induced by a group or society – we learn about social norms from others. Besides showing regard to each other, such norms also ensure that all involved can maintain the desired distance and can have some control over the situation (as they increase predictability). Besides, familiarity with conventions can make spontaneity easier, as it helps to assess to what extent and when they can be safely transgressed (every shared framework has some degree of flexibility). Conventions though do not guarantee genuine respect, may be restrictive and a barrier to closeness. Let’s take politeness, which is closely related to conventions. It is a congenial way of interaction that has the purpose of making everybody involved feel safe and comfortable. Politeness, however, can sometimes be used as a cover or even a ‘weapon’ (think about how polite managers become when they intend to sack somebody). It can also become cliché, servility, even a front for inequality. To avoid this, of course, you do not need to stop being polite. Politeness only needs to be moderated (yes, there is such thing as too much politeness), which is why we also need internal regulation (or consideration).